A remarkable new discovery could very well alter our perception of the universe as we know it. All the galaxies, stars, planets, moons, comets and nebulae that we can see make up barely 4 percent of the universe. The other 96% of the cosmos is an elusive, mysterious entity known as 'Dark Money'.

"We knew something was out there." said astrophysicist Hugo Munsterburg. "A tremendous force that's beyond our realm of understanding; an awesome presence that dwarfs all that we have ever known. But we had no idea that it was actually vast, sprawling clouds of money."

So much money, in fact, that it shrouds entire galaxy clusters and creates enough gravity to bind the universe together and keep it from flying apart into oblivion. However, some see this enormous supply of cash as a potential benefit to their earthly needs. "It's a sign from the Lord," said Republican strategist Bert Humpkins. "All that invisible money floating out there? It's ours! And it's a fantastic opportunity to crush the opposition, once and for all!"

And so, this inconceivably massive supply of Dark Money is being siphoned off from the farthest corners of the universe. Why? To defeat Democratic Congressman Jack Smiles of Florida. And the race is proving to be the most expensive in history.

Rep. Smiles, an affable, white-haired professor, has held this seat for 24 years. He expected to easily win re-election in this reliably liberal district. And then his opponent showed up: white supremacist monster truck driver Victor Champion. Champion's budget: 736 trillion dollars and change. The election was a blow-out. Victor Champion defeated Jack Smiles by five votes. With nearly twenty billion dollars spent per vote, the GOP declared this a resounding victory. "Dark Money is our formula for absolute dominance." said an excited Bert Humpkins, "and now we're going use it to annihilate everyone in our path - forever".

"This is an injustice!" Jack Smiles wrote in a strongly worded letter. "How can we have fair elections? Where does this money come from?" The GOP answered him in the form of a 30 million dollar fireworks display across the Florida sky that exploded the words "BOO-HOO-HOO BITCH!"

Now that the GOP has harnessed the limitless power of Dark Money, there is no place to hide. A tsunami of landslide victories swept the nation, and soon the GOP had 100% control of all three branches of government. But that just wasn't enough. Every member of Congress had to reward themselves with their very own planet, with a slave population to drill for oil and jewels. "Why worry?" said newly-elected Tea Party Congressman Jughead Slokum. "There's no end to the money out there. We can build our own private universes if we want. We'll even put God on our payroll!"

But all good things must end. The GOP finally ran out of Dark Money when it tried to buy the past and the future, and control all realms plus time and space. Suddenly there wasn't enough Dark Money left to hold the universe together. "Whoops!" said GOP strategist Bert Humpkins, as the cosmos flew apart into an eternity of freezing darkness. "I guess we bounced a few checks!"

Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume


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