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ANTI NEWS #9:

THE FREEDOM SHREDDER:
A NEW MILESTONE
IN OFFICE SUPPLY FIREPOWER

 

 
 

In the breakneck world of high tech security, there is an ever increasing need for better technology, more speed, and greater shredding power. With threats coming from all directions, ranging from identity theft to embezzlement to leaking of vital secrets, there needs to be a device that can not only shred, but pulverize, liquidate and utterly destroy any and all sensitive materials. BlackDagger Enterprises has unveiled the latest in extreme secrecy protection: The Freedom Shredder®.

"Our product will shred all your unneeded documents, and much more", said Rocky Silverspoon, BlackDagger CEO. "It gives you the freedom to exterminate anything you want."

The Freedom Shredder economy X-1 is slightly larger than a wastebasket, but unlike the average store bought model, it has five inch titanium blades that spin at over 7,500 rpms, accompanied by a series of blow torches that line the inside of the shredding capsule. "And it all fits neatly between your fax machine and your stapler", says enthusiastic office worker Polly Hoover.


Originally developed for the National Security Agency to shred its most guarded secrets, the Freedom-Shredder was upgraded and soon adopted by the U.S. military's black-ops division. With the ever increasing need to protect the Homeland from enemies abroad (and from itself), the Freedom Shredder X-2 has become very useful everywhere from the battlefield to the office cubicle.

"The X-2 doesn't just stop at paperwork", explained Colonel Wilson Hobbs. "Simply insert an enemy combatant, or anyone who looks like a threat to America, feet first, and press the green 'on' switch. In twenty seconds there won't be a single remaining hair." And this year's model comes equipped with even more privacy protection. If blades and flames aren't enough, simply press the "turbo-shred" button. Your unwanted document (or person) will receive a sulfuric acid bath, followed a swarm of mutant wasps, black widows on steroids, piranhas, cat bile, month old diarrhea and maggots, finished off with a quick blast of plutonium.

Sylvia Waldo of the ACLU is already bringing forth a lawsuit against BlackDagger, claiming that FreedomShredder® is nothing more than a "monstrous military murder machine masquerading as office equipment." But CEO Rocky Silverspoon says "bring it on", and has already assembled an army of lawyers to defend the FreedomShredder®. "And if that fails, " chuckled Silverspoon, "we've always got the FreedomShredder!"

FreedomShredder works equally well on eco-terrorists, protesters, abortion doctors, ACLU lawyers and anyone who leaks government cables or military atrocities. And with the optional Freedom-Silencer, you can mute the sound of crunching bones, screams and roasting tissue. Get rid of all of your irritating unwanted secrets in total safety and silence, and your office mates will think you're just checking your e-mail.

Available in stores this Christmas.

 

 
   
 

 

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