In the breakneck world of high-tech security, there is an ever-increasing need for greater shredding power. With threats coming from all directions, there needs to be a device that can not only shred, but pulverize, liquidate and utterly destroy anything that puts America at risk. BlackDagger Enterprises has unveiled the latest in extreme office supply equipment: The Freedom Shredder®.

"Our product will shred all your unneeded documents, and much more," said Rocky Silverspoon, BlackDagger CEO.

The Freedom Shredder X-1 is slightly larger than a waste basket. It has five inch titanium blades that spin at over 7,500 rpms, accompanied by a series of blow torches that line the inside of the shredding capsule. "And it all fits neatly between your keyboard and your stapler," says enthusiastic office worker Polly Hoover.

In order to protect the Homeland from enemies abroad (and within), the Freedom Shredder X-1 has become a vital tool everywhere from the battlefield to the office cubicle.

"The X-1 doesn't just stop at paperwork," explained Colonel Wilson Hobbs. "Simply insert anyone who looks like a threat to America and press the 'on' switch. In twenty seconds he or she will be reduced to a smoothie." And this year's model comes equipped with even more privacy protection. If blades and flames aren't enough, simply press the "turbo-shred" button. Your unwanted document (or person) will receive a sulfuric acid bath, followed by a swarm of mutant wasps, black widows, piranhas, cat bile, month-old diarrhea, and maggots, finished off with a quick blast of warm Diet Pepsi.

Sylvia Waldo of the ACLU is already bringing forth a lawsuit against BlackDagger, claiming that FreedomShredder® is nothing more than a "monstrous military murder machine masquerading as office equipment." But CEO Rocky Silverspoon pushed back. "Bring it on. We've got an army of lawyers to defend the FreedomShredder®. And if that fails, we've always got the FreedomShredder!"

FreedomShredder works equally well on eco-terrorists, immigrants, abortion doctors, journalists, ACLU lawyers and anyone who doesn't praise our glorious president. And with the optional Freedom-Silencer, you can mute the sound of crunching bones, screams and roasting tissue. Get rid of all of your irritating unwanted secrets (and people) in total safety and silence, and your officemates will think you're just checking your e-mail.

Available in stores this Flag Day.