In a rather unseasonable hot spell last week, Earth's atmosphere completely boiled away, leaving the surface exposed to the vacuum of space. Coincidentally, unemployment shot up to record levels.

"There are just no more jobs!", exclaimed Todd Blodgett of Cedar Rapids Iowa, as he gasped his last breath. "I drove a cement truck for thirty years, but with no more atmosphere, the engine just won't start. Plus everyone is dead."

"I was a barista at Starbucks" said Lori Hollowell, formerly of Portsmouth New Hampshire. "But no one drinks coffee anymore, because there's no demand for it. Plus I'm dead."

The latest figures released by the Labor Department are anything but rosy. Since Earth's atmosphere boiled away, the unemployment rate has surged from 5% to almost 100% in less than 3 hours. This also coincides with a 100% loss in teachers, 100% loss in doctors, 100% loss in pilots, and a 5% loss in billionaires (the other 95% live in a sealed underground luxury bunker).

Climatologists had been warning us for decades about the dire consequences of climate change. Dust storms and droughts and hurricanes were largely ignored. Then the ice cap melted about twenty years earlier than predicted, and a few cities went underwater.

"Come on. We're only talking about a few cities", explained Walter Gobstock of the Environmental Destruction Agency. "We get some unseasonable weather and everyone's panicking. Get over it! This global warming hysteria is a left wing job killer."

Then, last week, the atmosphere completely boiled away. Earth was exposed to massive doses of cosmic radiation. Temperatures rose to almost 400 degrees on the day side and plummeted to nearly 200 below zero on the night side. The president gave a rally to whip up support among his base. "Don't let some air-hugging snowflakes whine about America's roaring economy," he bloviated to a stadium full of empty bleachers. "If you can't breathe, move to Mars!"

The presdient's approval rating is at now 100%. But with everyone dead, his only supporters are his left hand, his mirror and a giant oil painting of himself.

THERE ARE NO JOBS ON A DEAD PLANET. MAKE A DIFERENCE:

Danny O'Connor (House, Ohio)
Jacky Rosen (Senate, Nevada)
Claire McCaskell (Senate, Missouri)
John Tester (Senate, Montana)  
Harley Rouda (House, California)
Randy Bryce (House, Wisconsin)

Make a donation to one (or some, or all) of these campaigns.
These are but a few of the races that will decide our fate come November.

Anti News ©2018 Chris Hume