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ANTI NEWS BULLETIN # 91:

EARTH'S ATMOSPHERE BOILS AWAY, UNEMPLOYMENT WAY UP

 

 
 

In a rather unseasonable hot spell last week, Earth's atmosphere completely boiled away, leaving the surface exposed to the vacuum of space. Coincidentally, unemployment has shot up to record levels.

"There are just no more jobs!", exclaimed Todd Blodgett of Cedar Rapids Iowa, as he gasped his last breath. "I drove a cement truck for thirty years, but with no more atmosphere, the engine just won't start, plus everyone is dead."

"I was a barista at Starbucks" said Lori Hollowell, formerly of Portsmouth New Hampshire. "But no one drinks coffee anymore, because well, there's no demand for it. Plus I'm dead."

The latest figures released by the Labor Department are anything but rosy. Since Earth's atmosphere boiled away, the unemployment rate has surged from 7.8% to almost 100% in less than 3 hours. This also coincides with a 100% loss in teachers, 100% loss in doctors, 100% loss in pilots, and a 25% loss in hedge fund managers (the rest now live in a sealed underground luxury bunker).

Climatologists had been warning us for decades about the dire consequences of climate change. Dust storms and droughts and hurricanes were largely ignored. Then the ice cap melted about twenty years earlier than predicted, and a few cities went underwater.

"Come on. We're only talking about a few cities", explained Walter Gobstock of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce. "We get some unseasonable weather and everyone's panicking. Get over it! This global warming hysteria is a job killer. Mark my words."

Then, last week, the atmosphere boiled away. Earth was exposed to massive doses of cosmic radiation. Temperatures rose to almost 400 degrees on the day side and plummeted to nearly 200 below zero on the night side. The ensuing economic collapse was red meat for Republican attack ads. "100% Unemployment is bad for America. We need a change in Washington!" But there was no one around to watch the TV spots.

GOP presidential candidate Norman Dinglehooter gave a press conference from his underground bunker. "If elected, I promise jobs jobs jobs. And cheap gas too. Don't let some air-hugging whiners get in the way of our great nation. You got a problem with that? Move to Mars!"

Dinglehooter's approval rating is way up, but with everyone dead, the only ones polled were his wife, his butler, and his pet goldfish, Snowflake.


Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume

 

 

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