In a tragic sequence of events, convicted pot smoker Jared Tillman died unexpectedly during a horribly botched execution. The bullet from a firing squad (meant for another convicted pot smoker) ricocheted off the back wall, struck a drainpipe, whizzed under a jail door, glanced off a prison potty and struck Jared in the head, killing him on the spot.
"Okay, so we botched it!" said execution coordinator Slim McDaddle. "Our snipers usually get it right the first time. But you've got to admit, that was an awesome rim-shot!"
There has been an alarming uptick in botched executions recently. Death row inmate Howard Jervis was lethally injected with horseradish instead of painkiller last week. "Oops! My bad." said executioner Toby Whitehead. "Chemicals and condiments look so alike. I should have read the jar first!" Other recent botched executions: Stanley Footman was hanged with a rope that was too long. Bubbah Willis exploded in the gas chamber. And Hawley Stubbs went up like a dry Christmas tree in the electric chair. The audience burst into applause at the fiery display, thinking it was all 'part of the script.' But despite the high theatrics, the execution industrial complex is deeply concerned.
"We need to put a human face on our executions", said Minister of Death Lyle Beekman. "Sloppy workmanship will not be tolerated. And frankly, it's bad for ratings."
Indeed, ratings on CPN (Capital Punishment Network) have plummeted. "If it's not a good clean execution, parents are not going to let their children watch," said CPN spokesman Harold Stinkpole. "We at CPN have high standards. We broadcast over 200 executions per day, and if even just one inmate disintegrates, liquefies, or explodes on the air, we owe our viewers the most sincere apology."
In a noble attempt to avoid more embarrassing botched executions, The Ministry of Death has proposed a series of more innovative and 'traditional' means of capital punishment. Methods such as the 'pit of crocodiles', the 'iron maiden' and 'burning at the stake' may return to the public square. "It's simple," explained Mr. Stinkpole, "these forms of execution are far messier, so it's harder to notice a mistake. Kind of like wearing dark pants while eating a chili dog."
And so, efforts are under way to clean up capital punishment's tarnished image. Just this Tuesday, Reginald Dennison was put to death for a grisly triple murder he did not commit. The lethal drugs were properly administered, and Reginald passed away quickly and quietly, with no irritating convulsions or head explosions. Minister of Death Lyle Beekman was very pleased at the non-botched procedure. "Okay, so he was innocent. Not our department. But at least his execution went off flawlessly."
Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume
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