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ANTI NEWS BULLETIN # 96:

GEORGIA ALLOWS CITIZENS TO CARRY GUILLOTINES AROUND

 

 
 

Just when you thought Freedom couldn't get any Freer, the Georgia State Legislature passed a law that allows everybody to carry a guillotine around in public. And if that isn't Liberty enough, background checks and permits have been eliminated!

Guillotine stores quickly sold out all their inventory. There was even a 'guillotine stampede' at Walmart last weekend, with numerous casualties, but that's a small price for Freedom.

"You don't even need a guillotine license!" said proud patriot Cletus O'Flabb. "Now I can defend myself anywhere, from the schoolyard to the supermarket." In fact, the law is so freedom-packed, it allows citizens to carry a guillotine into a bar, a police station, a brothel, a church, a pre-school, a hospital, a meth lab, an opium den, a TV station or even the State Capitol building. "Pretty much any place you can fit it through the door," said O'Flabb.

Georgia already has the highest guillotine ownership in the nation. "Sure, a gun is useful if you get into a dispute in the parking lot" explained angry white guy Elmer Stompworth. "But if you can whip out a seven foot high guillotine, complete with a twenty-pound blade and vintage wicker head basket, no one's gonna mess with you. Ever!"

"My son owns three guillotines already," said freedom-loving mother Clydette Bagley. "He's the best bladesman in his class, and this summer, he's going for the state championship!"

Even academics are touting the historical significance of the new law: "Those French Revolution types hit the Freedom nail right on the head," said ultra conservative scholar Jebb Gunnings. "and then it thumped right into that Freedom Basket! So we're just following their noble example."

But with the prospect of heads rolling in the streets, some are voicing concern. "This barbaric law will take us back to the dark ages!" exclaimed guillotine-control activist Lisa Sparks. "Plus I don't want to break an axle on my Prius if I run over a bunch of heads in the night."

But The National Guillotine Association (NGA) disagrees. "More guillotines on the street make America a safer place," said NGA President Clarence Chopski. But the second greatest cause of death in America (after beheadings) are the countless injuries resulting from tripping over all the undisposed heads. State lawmakers are rethinking the law, and considering replacing the guillotine with the gallows. The NGA is putting out a nationwide campaign to frighten everyone into buying any oversized archaic weapon of their choice. A roadside billboard reads: "A guillotine in every backyard. A gallows in every living room! A catapult in every driveway. A crime free America by Christmas!"

(based on reality: Georgia Governor signs "Guns Everywhere" into law)

Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume

 

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