The Mega Princess, Carnivore Cruise Line's Ultimate Big-Ass Cruise Ship, actually sailed into port today with no outbreak of ship-wide food poisoning.

"Things are really looking up," said Captain Joe Boozler. "For the last week, we experienced not one single incident of engine failure, dysentery, overflowing toilets, convulsing passengers, or sinking."

Fireworks exploded overhead as the gargantuan ship dropped anchor, celebrating a journey free from explosive diarrhea, smoke-filled cabins, lack of toilet paper and heat exhaustion.

Carnivore Cruise Lines, known for its fleet of over-sized floating Luxury Leisure Palaces, and its all-you-can-eat 'pork orgy', ran afoul after a series of embarrassing maritime mishaps. Constant engine breakdowns left thousands of unfortunate passengers stranded on the high seas, exposed to the elements, as well as each others' germs at close quarters. So when the Mega Princess chugged into the harbor today, under its own power, without any raw sewage spewing from its portholes, it was front page news.

"Frankly, we're quite surprised," said Carnivore Cruise Lines CEO Jack Beefton. "This is our first cruise without mass overboard vomiting in months, maybe years."

"Our vacation was a total delight," said tourist Ted Barkwood. "Last time we were adrift for a week, and had to drink from the Jacuzzi. Our son Bobby slipped on the Poop Deck and broke his ankle. This time, we didn't catch any contagious diseases from the buffet, and the engine didn't explode even once."

In the hopes of boosting its image, Carnivore Cruise Lines is rebranding itself as the most "Bowel-Disease-Free Experience on the Seven Seas". Such luxuries as flush toilets with heated seats and satin barf bags are being offered to entice new customers.

Five-time veteran passenger Sidney Gobstock didn't like the new image. "The ship no longer breaks down? No more stomach viruses? That was part of the charm. We just got used to the smell."

Next week, the Mega Princess will head for the Bahamas, leaving its telltale wake of diesel and effluent in the sparkling sea. "Who knows?" said a hopeful Captain Boozler. "With a little luck, maybe we can pull off a second stench-free voyage."

Based on reality. Click below:
Sanitary nightmares on the high seas. Cruise at your own risk.

Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume