It's official. First Lady Michelle Obama has declared war on dessert. The long simmering conflict between healthy food and poisonous processed crap has boiled over into full blown combat. "We were totally caught off guard," said morbidly obese fifth grader Jake Blubberhorn. "My breakfast cupcake was blasted right out of my hand... by something that looked like an apple."
The first attack from Operation Dessert Storm came just before lunch. Wave upon wave of oranges, bananas and cantaloupes fell from the sky, reducing junk food vending machines to rubble. Children huddled under their desks, watching their fatty greasy goodies wiped out in minutes.
"This is desserticide!" declared Hostess CEO Hugo Fatman. "The First Lady claims that she wants a healthier generation of kids, but her true agenda is to destroy their happiness." Michelle Obama stood resolute in full battle dress. "We've been planning this for months. We surrounded their Ding Dong Drones with our Asparagus Platoons and took out their soft creamy centers with surgical strikes.
The opening salvos of heavy fruit bombardment inflicted catastrophic damage on the enemy. The emboldened First Lady then ordered a second wave of attacks, using the 43rd Broccoli Battalion and the elite Organic Chicken Brigade.
But many are furious at Michelle's vision of a healthier America. "It's heartless and cruel to deprive children of sugary treats. She is spreading misery across the heartland in the form of nutrition," said Senator Tugg McGorkin (R) Mississippi. "We will stand tall. No retreat! Not until the last deep-fried bacon speckled sugar puck drops dead in the battlefield."
But the war is far from over. By early evening, the enemy had regrouped and retaliated with a blistering wave of corn syrup balloon bombs, followed by a barrage of chili dogs slathered in ranch dressing. The fruits and vegetables were driven back nearly three miles, taking heavy casualties. Among the worst injuries: bacon shrapnel and scalding grease. There are even reports that Cheez Whiz, a chemical weapon, was used.
However, Michelle Obama's advisors predict total victory by the end of the year. "We'll win their hearts and minds, and their stomachs will follow," declared the First Lady about America's schoolchildren.
Smelling defeat, the enemy has ordered a tactical retreat, ordering all Twinkies, pizzas and powdered doughnuts back to their bunkers to lick their wounds.
"What's next on their evil agenda?" growled an angry Senator McGorkin, "a war on pollution?"
Based on reality. Click below:
Michelle Obama's War on Dessert
Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume