For the last 4 billion years, air has been free of cost for everyone's survival needs. But this week, there's a change in the air. Because air, the clear breathable substance that sustains all life on Earth, is being privatized.

Trillionaire garbage tycoon Leon Gagsworth recently purchased the world's air supply for a cut-rate $500 billion. "Hey, a bunch of bums were sucking it back for free," said the savvy businessman. The air that surrounds our planet is now part of Global Air Works, a for-profit corporation owned by Mr. Gagsworth.

The process is simple. Global Air Works will sequester the entire atmosphere into a series of orbiting space-tanks. Just log onto your account at MyBreath.com and receive your monthly air supply. "It's as easy as paying your electric bill, plus you get to stay alive," explained Mr. Gagsworth. Options include the family tank, the couple's tank , and the portable back-pack tank (air masks and helmets not included).

However, there are still a few bugs to work out (like poor people and animals and plants and stuff). "Big deal!" said a cocksure Gagsworth from his air-filled pleasure dome. "The free market will fix it. Stop whining."

But not everybody is thrilled at the privatization of air. "This is unjust," gasped Frida Roberts of "Concerned Breathers of America". "Monopolizing all of the air is wrong." But the Supreme Court ruled in favor of Global Air Works, citing the lawsuit as a violation of freedom of speech.

Hundreds of protesters staged an "air-strike" in New York's Central Park, holding their breath for as long they could. Unfortunately, all of them died within several minutes.

"Get over it." chuckled Mr. Gagsworth "Air's a fine product, and people are dying to get some." Subscriptions are starting at less than $20 per day. "Sign up now, and the first week is free!" says a colorful roadside billboard.

Gagsworth's next venture is to privatize light by selling people's own eyes back to them for only a thousand dollars apiece. "No more freeloading," said Gagsworth. "Want to see stuff and breathe air? Get a job!"

Anti News ©2014/2024 Chris Hume