36-year-old Reed Corkmouth still lives in his mother. He's a wiz at TikTok scrolling, smokes a righteous bong, and eats a mean slice of cold pizza. Despite his near total uselessness, his mother can't abort him, because of a controversial new law that protects a fetus up to 45 years of age.

"Hey bro, I'm a miracle of life!" mumbled Reed, surrounded by a halo of blue smoke, "I'm too precious to abort." And so, he continues to gestate safely and peacefully.

Reginald Gibbs, 33, hasn't washed a dish in his life. He gets up from his moldering bean bag chair twice a day: to reload his bowl with Froot Loops and to defecate. The last job he had was mowing half the lawn when he was 25, and that was his first job. And now, because of the Adult Fetal Protection Act, Reginald Gibbs is a fully recognized person, safe from the evil clutches of the abortion doctor. "Life is sweet!" responded Gibbs, spilling soggy Froot Loops all over his curdled bathrobe.

The Adult Fetal Protection Act, or "AFPA" was ratified by the Extreme Court last week, setting off a firestorm of controversy. "We must preserve life at all costs, even if it's a full-grown slob who's never brushed his teeth," said Rep Hank Baxter (R) of Mississippi.

But Marybeth Clowell, the mother of Matt Clowell, feels differently. "I raised Matt for 9 months in my belly, and for the next 40 years in my attic. No politician is going to tell me what to do!" Marybeth went ahead and illegally aborted Matt. She kicked his middle-aged ass out on the street and told him to get a job.

Hundreds of protesters gathered around the Clowells' house, chanting "BABY KILLER!" and "PROTECT UNBORN ADULTS!"

And so, the Adult Fetal Protection Act (or AFPA) is now the law of the land. "I'm so proud of my little angel," said Deb Stanley of her 43-year-old son, Mike, who still breastfeeds.

Anti News ©2026 Chris Hume