KFC, Arby’s, Burger King, step aside. There’s a new mega sandwich in town, and it’s going to crush the competition. The “Triple Beefurrito Porkstrami Waffle Chicken Tower”or “Gargantuwich” as it’s affectionately called, is scheduled for release this Friday at Beef-tastic restaurants nationwide.

The Gargantuwich will deliver on taste and sheer caloric firepower. It consists of three double wide meat lovers burritos, a generous layer of pastrami, baby back ribs slathered in maple bacon sauce, a waffle, and a succulent jumbo boneless breast of deep fried chicken. It’s garnished with mayonnaise, guacamole, salsa and sour cream, all deliciously placed between two pieces of Texas toast.

“Gargantuwich is for everyone” said Beeftastic spokesman Melvin Plugworth. “It’s Mexican, Southern and Jewish Deli all rolled into one. You’ve got all your major barnyard animals in there too, so children will love it.”

Clocking in at whopping 17,500 calories, Gargantuwich breaks all kinds of records.  Nutritionist Hector Shockman calculated it would require jogging 100 miles uphill to burn off just one Gargantuwich. “And that’s not counting the thirsty-two ouncer of Mountain Dew and double dipped frosty fries that come with the Gargantuwich real-meal-deal.”

Health experts are appalled. “This is a ghastly example of the fast food industry’s total disregard for our well being”, exclaimed Marsha Kittridge of the Heart Institute. Already, local governments are attempting to ban Gargantuwich in local Beeftastics, and activists are planning a mass boycott.

But citizen and meat lover Braxton Goggins is standing his ground.  “Government regulators and animal-huggers can kiss my fat ass. No one’s going to step on my liberty!” He paused for another bite, gagged, then unclogged his esophagus with a gulp of day glow soda. Mouth full, he continued, “The Constitution gives us our rights. And that includes the right to eat as much as we want. That’s (choke, wheeze) what makes America great!”

But Beeftastic is bowing to some of the protests, by releasing Gargantuwich-Sport, for the health minded eater. A crisp leaf of iceberg lettuce will be inserted between the maple ribs and the waffle. “We care about our customer’s health”, said spokesman Melvin Plugworth.

And now, Gargantuwich-mania is sweeping the nation.
Over nourished Americans are camping out in droves in front of Beeftastic restaurants in anticipation of the sandwich’s debut.  “I want to be first!”, exclaimed a very large 8 year old Tommy Twombly of Lubbock Texas.

Plans are already underway for an even more ethnically diverse sandwich product. In the spirit of ‘one world without borders’, Beeftastic will be releasing its sushi pork snout rib eye eggroll pizza mutton curry chicken cheese curd Cajun taco sandwich… affectionately known as “Gastric Thunder”.