Get ready for a cosmic game-changer: According to a recent study by a consortium of paid experts, Earth is actually flat and infinite. The newly discovered alternate fact totally debunks the long-held theory that Earth is "ball-shaped" and only has a fragile, limited amount of resources.
"This finally puts to sleep the whole cock-a-doodle-doo myth that we live on a planet," said paid celebrity-expert Eugene O'Fallus. "It's a dangerous lie perpetrated by a bunch of eggheads." Eugene receives a monthly payout from The Flat Truth Society, a shadowy organization with ties to Big Coal.
"They say that Columbus proved the Earth was round. Whatever!" explained well paid intellectual Baker Montgomery. "Have you actually seen this "ball-shaped" Earth with your own eyes? Of course not. Because it's flat, dumb ass!" Baker owns twenty golf courses, a dozen hog farms and three hundred vintage monster trucks with the salary he gets from No More Balls, a deep-pocketed petro-religious institute that is openly anti-planet.
"This is just plain wrong," explained actual (but unpaid) scientist Charles Levy, "We have over 500 years of proof that we live on a globe that revolves every 24 hours and orbits our sun every 365 days. Check your Copernicus and your Newton!"
"The only thing that's globe-shaped is your ass!" laughed Fox commentator Jimmy Jiffypop. Charles Levy was soundly beaten in a TV science debate with Jiffypop. His round-earth blog was taken offline to protect God and country.
Despite the hard evidence that our world is spherical and finite, faith-based energy corporations are pouring billions into the pockets of "experts", "scholars", and "talking heads with good hair" to convince the public once and for all, that Earth is as flat as a ping-pong table. "But the best part is that it extends out in every direction forever and ever," explained paid professor Tom Fuckman. Professor Fuckman was paid a million dollars by Concerned Citizens for Flatness.
The newly revised truth that Earth is flat as well as limitless has ended the whole annoying debate about whether we have to worry about our precious resources. "Now that we all know the real facts, life will be so much easier," said suburban mother Kendra Slothburg.
Drilling, fracking, strip mining, and logging are all the rage now since Earth was officially declared flat and infinite. Oceans can be fished out to their limit, because, well, there is no limit. Recycling is now considered treasonous, because trash can be dumped anywhere on an infinitely flat world.
Overpaid super expert Jimmy Jiffypop tells it like it is: "This isn't your parents' Earth anymore. Got a problem with that? Just drive further out onto God's infinitely flat Earth, and dump it somewhere else."
Based on reality:
Leading climate change denier was paid by energy companies