“STOP THE PAP SMEARS!” screamed the gunman as he stormed the Planned Parenthood clinic, shotgun ablaze. “STOP PREVENTIVE CANCER SCREENINGS NOW!” he bellowed, spraying ammo as terrified patients ran for cover. It is still unclear whether shooter Derrick Sickman acted alone, or if he was part of a larger, organized network of extremists.

“Derrick Sickman is clearly a very sick man, and our prayers go out to the victims of the shooting,” said Randall Butterford (R) TX, “While we don’t condone violence, we stand behind Mr. Sickman’s noble intention. We must all do our part to stop Planned Parenthood’s gruesome policy of providing health care to millions of low–income families.”

Congress has been trying for months to pull the plug on Planned Parenthood, because of its controversial programs of giving mammograms to women, counseling young mothers, offering pregnancy tests and giving treatment for sexually transmitted diseases.

“The fact that this is happening right here in America is an abomination!” bellowed Gavin Punchworth, president of YOYO (You’re On Your Own!) “Americans are being mollycoddled by this group of so-called experts. Before long, healthcare will spread across the land like a cancer!”

Religious leaders are outraged by Planned Parenthood’s attempt to screen young women for cervical cancer. “If it doesn’t say ‘pap smear’ in the Bible, then it doesn’t exist!” explained Pastor Howard Jimble, “Medicine is the Devil’s work!” A recent undercover video shows a Planned Parenthood worker applying a pap smear to a 23 year-old patient.  The video went viral, and it may have served to inspire angry patriots like Mr.Sickman.

Meanwhile, the scandal continues to build against Planned Parenthood. A Congressional investigation concluded that up to 95% of Planned Parenthood’s funding goes to sex education, family planning, and preventive health care. “Our bad!” confessed Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richard, “You’ve caught us red-handed. Go ahead. I guess we'll have to fortify our clinics even more.”

Derrick Sickman posed for his mug shot in the county jail. His picture now adorns T-shirts, billboards, arm tattoos, ball caps, and may even grace the twenty-dollar bill if Congress gets enough votes.

Meanwhile, another crazed gunman stormed into an optometrist’s office yesterday, shooting up the place and taking several hostages. His message: "There are no contact lenses in the Bible."