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BREAKING ANTI NEWS!

JESUS CHRIST RETURNS!
(Then Flees in Horror)

 

 
 
He Is Risen! The Lord Hath Returned! Headlines around the world today trumpeted the historic event. After nearly two thousand years of silence, Jesus Christ is back! Christians, after waiting around patiently for ages, finally got a glimpse of their boy as he emerged, white-robed and glorious, to walk the Earth in a glow of shimmering light, accompanied by a rich orchestral and choral fanfare.
 
Then he took one long look around, and fled in horror. "WTF? You've totally trashed my name!" he yelled, as he hightailed it out of town, "I take a brief two millennium sabbatical, and you've turned me into a bottle of snake-oil!"
 
The Son of God spent less than twenty minutes on Earth before he realized that his whole life had become some epic-crazy-carnival-cult-fairytale followed by hundreds of millions of maniacal super fans. "When I was growing up, life sucked," He said "I just wanted to make the world a little less shitty. You know, more peace and love. And now my name gets shouted out in anger every time someone barks their shin or squashes their thumb in a car door? How did that happen?"
 
Jesus slapped his forehead in disbelief when he saw the Vatican. "Really? A palace with a basement full of gold, and a religion with more power than most countries... based on my teachings?" he exclaimed. "I look the other way, and my whole reputation gets thrown into a blender and liquefied."
 
Then Jesus looked at a calendar. "You're kidding, right? Your whole time-system is based on the day I was born, 2016 years ago? I'm a little freaked out to be honest." he exclaimed.
 
But that's not what put Jesus over the edge. "So my name's in some book called the Bible, and it's in every hotel room in America? And people wear crosses around their necks because that's how I was killed? Good thing I wasn't hanged." Jesus then sneaked into a Trump rally, where He heard His name used 37 times celebrating firearms, and condemning heath care, women's rights and environmental regulation. "That's it! I'm outta here!" And he fled in horror.
 
Jesus concluded his Second Coming by changing his phone number, his e-mail address, and his name. And while no one was looking, he slipped back through the dimensional portal. "I'll see you in a another two thousand years. But first, please un-fuck my name. All I wanted to do was fix things, for Christ's sake!"
 
 



  Anti News ©2016 Chris Hume


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