It is a colossal and monolithic system, and it secretly drains more than 75% of the world economy for its sinister purposes. The few who know of its existence simply call it The Valentines Industrial Complex.
Each year, in mid-February, this vast, faceless entity rears its serpent head. Countless citizens are hypnotized by its sweet, sugary façade. "It masks itself in many forms," explained Valentologist Joseph Wedmore. "most commonly as flowers, expensive cards or candy in the shape of a heart made of chocolate, salted caramel or peanut butter."
The "Valentines Industrial Complex" wasn't always so inconceivably huge. It began centuries ago as a pagan fertility festival, and over the ages evolved into a traditional day for expressing romantic love. "But today it has become a shadowy mega-industry that shoves billions of tons of candy down America's throat," said Anti-Valentine activist Sheila Damworth, "and it's a vast conspiracy to swell the population."
Research has shown that the annual tsunami of butter-cream-maple-fudge-sugar-flavored hearts has actually led to an increase in live births (nine months later). "Plying the population with tons of sugar impedes people's judgment, resulting in a massive increase in pregnancies," explained expert Calvin Wonk "This provides Wall Street with more consumers to exploit the earth's resources, as well as more soldiers for the Military Industrial Complex (the Valentines Industrial Complex's cousin)."
The Valentines Industrial Complex has no official face or leader. Numerous attempts to breach the V.I.C.'s fortress walls have been repelled. All attempts to interview members of the inner circle have been declined. In the last month alone, nearly two hundred cubic miles of candy have been put on supermarket shelves in preparation for a record-breaking weekend of milk chocolate-drizzled desire. "Our shareholders are in love with love. It's a fine product!" said an anonymous V.I.C. source.
Attempts to thwart the V.I.C.'s unstoppable advance have proven useless. Liver and onions-flavored candy-hearts and Brussels sprout bouquets didn't make a dent in the gargantuan love-themed gobble fest.
And so, the Valentines Industrial Complex looks forward to another sugar-coated trillion dollar weekend. "Everybody should get to the gym on February 15th" said Anti-Valentine activist Sheila Damworth, "because the Easter Industrial Complex is just around the corner."
