Winter, the beloved season of frosty nights, snowy days, and hot cocoa, has been cancelled indefinitely. "It is with deep regret that we must cancel Winter this year, and for the foreseeable future," said Weather Minister Jed Blackball, "we simply don't have enough cold anymore to keep the season going."
In spite of an ever-decreasing supply of chilly air, winter was kept on life support for years by tapping into the Strategic Winter Reserve, a vast reservoir of glaciers, ice packs and tundra. But last year, it all melted away. "Every snowman, every skating pond, and every ski slope is being discontinued, due to lack of resources," said seasonologist Candice Michaels. "To put it more clearly, Winter is broke."
The new calendar will have only three seasons: Summer, Autumn and Spring. By the time the last leaves fall off the trees around Thanksgiving, the buds will already be sprouting.
"We just can't compete with our hotter cousin, Summer," explained Candice. "Every year, old man Summer just keeps stockpiling the heat, even though there's no place to put it."
Summer and Winter had a shoving match. Winter huffed and puffed. Summer scorched and torched. But in the end, Summer had more financial backing, with the help of the oil, gas and logging industries. Summer picked Winter up by its balls, threw it across the room, then body slammed it down the stairs in a final round of whoop-ass. Winter cried uncle, and Summer did a touchdown dance on winter's thawed-out face.
"Who needs winter anyway?" exclaimed angry patriot Cletus McSlim, swatting away malaria mosquitoes, "Just one more season to clutter up the calendar!"
"I guess I'll just sell my skis... to a museum," said sad skier Eric Jacobs. But Winter lovers need not bemoan their cancelled season. Halliburton is constructing a vast indoor "Winterplex": a thousand-acre climate-controlled Winter Wonderland, complete with skating ponds, ski slopes, and even a classic "glacier". The Winterplex will require ten gigawatts per day to power it, all of which will come from coal.
And so, Winter is set to close permanently in two weeks. Twelve-year old Scott Jamison threw the world's last snowball at a passing car. The last icicle dropped from a house last night in northern Minnesota. And the last snowflake melted somewhere over Siberia early this morning.
Next year, the Ministry of Weather plans to officially cancel Spring and Autumn as well. "We will have Summer year-round, globally" explained Deputy Weather Minister Harold Block. In fact, Summer will soon be the "cool" season, when humans will be allowed outside for a few months of the year when the oceans aren't boiling.
"Who needs Summer anyway?" exclaimed angry patriot Cletus McSlim, just as he fell ass-first into a lake of magma.