A devastating new epidemic is sweeping the nation. It is spreading from town to town at lightning speed, leaving a wake of flaming stupidity in its path. According the Center for Disease Control, America is suffering from a severe case of irony deficiency.
“Irony deficiency attacks the brain and destroys its humor center,” explains irony expert Girard Updown. “Early-stage symptoms include confusion and hostility when challenged with subtle, complex thoughts. If a joke doesn’t involve farts, excrement or demoralizing another person, the patient’s expression will glaze over, often accompanied by a string of expletives and drool.”
As the disease advances, the patient will withdraw into an anger-cocoon. They will reject all logic, latching onto dangerous simplistic sound bites like a steel trap. In the final stages, the patient will implode into a seething ball of willful chest-thumping ignorance. This is the ironic point of no return.
But what is the cause of irony deficiency? “Diet, mostly”, said ironic nutritionist Calvin Yesno. “The alarming absence of irony in most Americans can be traced to greasy fatty foods, hormone injected meats, processed sugar, and Fox News.”
Is irony deficiency contagious? “It’s highly contagious,” warned professor of irony Kendra Lovehate. “Irony deficiency can be easily spread via social networks, online comment threads, Trump rallies, and snot-sprayed sneezes.”
Some experts fear that if action isn’t taken, America could be irony-free by 2020.
Is there a cure for irony deficiency? “People need to have more irony-oxide in their blood,” explained Doctor of Irony Matthew Lettuceburger. “Irony oxide can be found in fish livers, cockroach eyes, and rusty iron filings. You can blend them into a smoothie for best results.” But Braxton Shimp, suffering from advanced irony deficiency, refuses to try it. “I’d rather die than drink that garbage and become smart again!”
An irony oxide pill is being developed to combat the raging epidemic. Each pill costs 5 cents to produce, but Pharmaceutical giant PermaLife will be selling them for $1750 apiece. “There is now a simple cure, but no one can afford it,” said irony activist Alice Hopewell, “that’s kind of ironic.”