A devastating new pandemic is sweeping the nation. It is spreading from town to town at lightning speed, leaving a wake of flaming stupidity in its path. According to the Center for Disease Control, America is suffering from a severe case of irony deficiency.

“Irony deficiency attacks the brain and devours its humor center,” explains irony expert Girard Updown.  “Early-stage symptoms include confusion and hostility when challenged with subtle, complex thoughts. If a joke doesn’t involve farts, excrement or demoralizing another person, the patient’s expression will glaze over, often accompanied by a string of expletives and drool.”

As the disease advances, the patient will withdraw into an anger-cocoon. They will reject all logic, latching onto dangerous simplistic sound bites like a steel trap.  In the final stages, the patient will implode into a seething ball of willful chest-thumping ignorance. This is the ironic point of no return.

But what is the cause of irony deficiency? “Diet, mostly”, said ironic nutritionist Calvin Yesno. “The alarming absence of irony in most Americans can be traced to greasy fatty foods, hormone injected meats, processed sugar, and Fox News.”

Is irony deficiency contagious? “It’s highly contagious,” warned ironologist Kendra Lovehate.  “Irony deficiency can be easily spread via social networks, online comment threads, Confederate Flag handkerchiefs and snot-sprayed sneeze droplets.”

Some experts fear that if action isn’t taken, America could be irony-free by 2022.

Is there a cure for irony deficiency? “People need to have more irony-oxide in their blood,” explained Doctor of Irony Matthew Lettuceburger. “Irony oxide can be found in fish livers, lobster eyes, and canned beets. You can blend them into a smoothie for best results.” But Braxton Shimp, suffering from advanced irony deficiency, refuses to try it. “I’d rather die than become smart again!”

An irony oxide pill is being developed to combat the raging epidemic. Each pill costs 5 cents to produce, but Pharmaceutical giant PermaLife will be selling them for $1750 apiece. “There is now a simple cure, but no one can afford it,” chuckled PermaLIfe CEO Alice Hopedeath, “that’s kind of ironic.”

  Anti News ©2016 /2021 Chris Hume