In a stunning development, Donald Trump's wig emerged from surgery in stable condition after having a colossal 280-pound tumor removed.
The wig, which had been behaving erratically, appeared before supporters Friday, where it flapped confidently in the breeze to thunderous applause. "The Trump wig's in tip top shape," said Trump Wig Handler Clarence Bumbleberry, "We can put to rest once and for all that our wig has some sort of mental health issue."
Rumors were swirling around the twittersphere that the Wig had a "psychological disorder" that could "seriously affect its ability to govern". Video clips from recent Trump Wig rallies showed disturbing evidence that something was wrong. "Look at the footage," said CNN anchor Blitz Wolfer. "This bulbous misshapen mass of man-shaped flesh is protruding right out from under the wig. At some points, it even seems that this oversized tumor is rudely interrupting the wig to make dangerous and offensive remarks."
Many were calling into question the Trump wig's ability to lead the nation. "Just another obvious sign of weakness", said anti-wig spokesperson Alice Cleaver, "I mean, how can you expect to run the free world if you've got a 280-pound tumor hanging from your scalp?
"This malignant growth was unlike anything I've ever seen", said head surgeon Walter Pickens, "it had eyeballs, chins, nostrils, lips, teeth, orange skin, even tiny articulating digits." The surgically removed mass was put into a vat of vinegar and pickled so it could be studied by future medical students.
The wig endured nearly twelve hours of delicate surgery to have the life-threatening tumor removed. First, the 280-pound mass had to be lanced, and carefully drained of toxic pus. "It filled several five-gallon paint buckets," said assistant surgeon Helen Bonheur. Next, surgeons carefully sliced away the deflated tumor. Finally, the wig was given a vigorous shampoo, slicked back with mousse, and put back on into the White House.
"The Wig is stronger than ever," said a confident Clarence Bumbleberry. "That tumor was just a speedbump in an otherwise well-greased presidency." The latest polls indicate a surge of sympathy support for the Trump wig.
But in a surprise twist, the tumor-free wig started changing its tune. At its latest rally, it downplayed its usual theme of fear, bigotry, misogyny and divisiveness. There were even hints of tolerance and logic. This infuriated many of its loyal followers. Jethro Hogdink, a die hard Trump wig supporter felt betrayed. "Screw the wig. I want the tumor!"
