RoboTech Industries announced today that a new fleet of "driverless humans" will be completely street-legal by early next year. Once the exotic stuff of science fiction, driverless humans will fundamentally change our everyday way of life. "Finally, we have perfected a human that requires no thinking or decision-making." said RoboTech CEO Howard Wolfcow, "our streets will be safer and America will be stronger."
The technology is simple: Remove the error-prone brain unit inside the human's skull cavity, and replace it with a GPS automated receiver. Once the proper software is uploaded, the human will be able to navigate and perform basic tasks without any risk of free will.
"The age of the self-propelled human is over," said Janice Jiffypop of Driverless Humans for America. "We will be free from dangerous distractions like eye contact, handshaking, and opinions."
But is society ready for driverless humans? At least fifty gruesome accidents have resulted from glitches in the driverless human network. "We're still working out the last of the bugs", explained engineer Buck Hornball. "They crash into each other more than self-willed humans. They have trouble with rain, sleet, potholes and faded lane markings*, and they don't know difference between right and wrong."
"I will not share the road, the sidewalk or anywhere else, with a driverless human!" exclaimed Jenna Sparks, a self-will activist. "What's next, the driverless chainsaw?" The self-will movement suffered a major setback last week when they were mowed down by a herd of faulty driverless humans. "Whoops," said a sheepish RoboTech CEO, " they still get a little panicky when they see something shiny or a dog starts barking."
But RoboTech is holding firm on its rollout date next year for driverless humans. "We can deliver your food, clean your floor, cut your grass, even pay your bills", said driverless human Wally Glink. "After all, we're free from free will," he said, just before he walked into a propeller.
