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ELECTION UPDATE:
AMERICA SUFFERING
FROM GIANT ULCER

 

 
 
America is suffering from a giant ulcer. The massive burning sore was found on the inner lining of the nation's stomach. "We've never seen anything like this," said gastro-electionologist Dr. Warren Waldorf. "The ulcer is nearly a hundred miles in circumference, and is rapidly growing outwards from somewhere near central Kansas.
 
After nearly eighteen months of endless election exposure, The United States succumbed to the stress. It started as a slight burning sensation last spring. Then it grew into a constant acute pain by mid-summer. Now, with only a few days remaining before the election, the country is curled up in fetal position, rocking back and forth on the bathroom floor, writhing in agony.
 
"It's like drinking three espressos every hour, every day for a year and a half," explained pain expert Newton Finch, "only worse."
 
The giant ulcerating wound has engulfed most of the Midwest, and is now threatening some major urban centers. Citizens have little time to evacuate as the swirling wall of gut-wrenching acid swallows everything in its path.
 
"America has stage four-electionitis", said Dr. Waldorf, "That's what happens when you take racism, sexism and paranoia, and shake it up vigorously with kindness, tolerance and enlightenment."
 
The bedraggled nation has also been diagnosed with a case of severe whiplash. Months of wildly fluctuating polls have jerked America's neck violently back and forth. "America's going to need a yuuuge neck brace," said concerned chiropractor Dr. Paul Hagworth.
 
And just when it couldn't get worse, America's complexion has lost its rosy blush. The unnatural tint of the nation's skin was cause for alarm. "It looks like jaundice, but it has more of a sickly orange hue," said skin expert Wanda Jenkins.
 
Is there hope for our profoundly ill democracy? Experts believe that the giant ulcer will begin to recede on Wednesday November 9th. "Our nation will begin healing," said Dr. Waldorf. "But we only have a few days until the next election cycle begins."
 
  Anti News ©2016 Chris Hume


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