America is suffering from a giant ulcer. The massive burning sore was found on the inner lining of the nation's stomach. "We've never seen anything like this," said gastro-electionologist Dr. Warren Waldorf. "The ulcer is nearly a hundred miles in circumference, and is rapidly growing outwards from somewhere near central Kansas.
After nearly 4 years of palpitating anxiety, The United States succumbed to the stress. It started as a chronic burning sensation in 2017. Then it grew into a constant acute pain later that same year. Now, with only a few days remaining before the election, the country is curled up in fetal position, rocking back and forth on the bathroom floor, writhing in agony.
"It's like drinking three triple espressos every hour, every day for 4 years," explained pain expert Newton Finch, "only worse."
The giant ulcerating wound has engulfed most of the Midwest, and is now spreading into major urban centers. Citizens have little time to evacuate as the swirling wall of gut-wrenching acid swallows everything in its path.
"America has stage four-electionitis", said Dr. Waldorf, "That's what happens when you take racism, sexism, medieval fundamentalism and paranoia, and shake it up vigorously with tabasco, wasabi and gunpowder."
And just when it couldn't get worse, America is now sprinting frantically to the toilet every five minutes. "With Election Day just around the corner, the nation can no longer make it to the potty in time, and is just violently filling its pants with flaming hot excreta," explained diarrhologist Stool Sampleman. "The country is behaving like a condemned prisoner on his final walk to the gallows."
Is there hope for our profoundly ill democracy? Experts believe that the giant ulcer may begin to recede sometime after Thanksgiving. "Our nation might start to heal," said Dr. Waldorf. "If not, we'll just chop it up and sell it for parts on the dark web."
