In an official announcement, Cuba declared it will impose an economic embargo on the United States. "We cannot continue trading with a failed state whose threatening behavior has destabilized the region and the world," explained Cuban Foreign Minister Bruno Rodriguez.
The two countries had enjoyed a brief diplomatic thaw in 2016 when the United States re-opened ties with Cuba. But all that came to a halt one year later when the power structure in Washington was taken over by white nationalists and Christian extremists.
"The sanctions will remain in place until the regime in Washington rescinds its brutal policies towards women and minorities," stated the Cuban Foreign Minister, "and destroys it massive nuclear weapons arsenal."
Washington responded in its usual bellicose manner. "You think you can starve us into decency?" yelled Stephen Bannon, Trump's Anger Minister, "My boss will buy your fucking country and sell it for parts!"
Cuba's new law will go into effect tomorrow. All flights will be suspended. All assets will be frozen. Anyone caught dealing with or traveling to The United States will be punished under the "Trading With the Enemy" Act of 2017. "I want to visit my grandchildren up in Miami," said Cuban citizen Rafael Ayala, "Now I must travel through a third country to get there." Unfortunately Canada and Mexico (along with 127 other countries) have also imposed economic sanctions on the failed state. Rafael will have to travel through U.S. ally North Korea to get to Miami.
"Fifty-four years ago, we were the bad guys," explained Cuban president Raul Castro. "We were a menace to the hemisphere. Our human rights record sucked. And we were aligned with Russia. Now The United States is a menace to the hemisphere. Its human rights record sucks. And it's aligned with Russia."
The embargo could have devastating effects on the American population. Most could lose access to affordable medicine, safe clean food, and objective news coverage from the outside world. "Who needs that shit?" said Trump loyalist Hank Dinglehooter, "At least we've got our guns!"
An ailing Fidel Castro tweeted from his death bed: "Way to go Imperialist Yankees! You've out-douched us. I can die now."
