The nation woke up again this morning in fetal position, trying to pass an enormous presidential kidney stone. The pain howled through the national body like a white-hot electric poker radiating out in every direction. “I’m not going anywhere,” chuckled President Kidney Stone, as he dug his spurs into the side of America’s urethra, causing the country to writhe and ball up its fists.

“The country seems to have an enormous kidney stone lodged up in its White House,” explained pain expert Dr. Calvin Squirm. “30 years of red meat conspiracy theory have gradually collected into a hardened crystal that refuses to pass out of the nation’s urinary duct.”

As a result, President Kidney Stone is causing America a pain that is worse than childbirth. But many citizens thoroughly enjoy it. “Oh yeah!” moaned Kidneystoner Hank Squelchman, “and throw in a dislocated shoulder, a ruptured testicle and shattered cheekbone while you're at it!”

“President Kidney Stone is rock solid,” said Senator Root Canal (R), “and the bigger he gets, the more he will block America’s waste-flow.” His comments drew ecstatic cheers from Kidneystoners everywhere.

"Any efforts to loosen President Kidney Stone from his position will be regarded as outright treason,” exclaimed Dolores Migraine, Secretary of Agony. And so America continued to double over in excruciating pain with no relief in sight.  “I may be a kidney stone,” declared the president, “but I’m America’s kidney stone!”

But just as America was about to expire, a plumber discovered that the nation's pipes were filled with Coca Cola syrup, beef bouillon cubes and rancid ranch dressing. He turned a valve, and flooded the system with water. Fresh pure water. Within a week, President Kidney Stone passed freely in a cleansing gusher of pee. America took a great sigh of relief, and flushed.