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BREAKING ANTI NEWS:

GOD STOPS BELIEVING
IN HIMSELF

 

 
 


God is now taking regular therapy sessions to help him get over a severe case of self-doubt. "Everyone tells me I'm all powerful. But lately I've stopped believing in myself," said the Lord of all Time, Space and Matter. "I wake up at five in the morning with this gnawing feeling that I have no purpose. So I turn on the TV to drown out the emptiness. Then I shower, masturbate, and go to work." God is now an assistant manager at a Dunkin' Donuts on Route 114 in Peabody Massachusetts. "No one would believe me if I told them who I am, so I just pour coffee, sell frosted maple twists and quietly sulk."
 
God's therapist diagnosed Him with depression and prescribed him a cocktail of Zoloft, Paxil and some pink hexagon-shaped pill with a really long name. Initially, God felt occasional bouts of confidence, but went off his meds after side effects caused impotence, acne, dizziness and suicidal thoughts. Now He sleeps twenty hours a day and plays violent video games to avoid the raging existential abyss within.
 
"We've got a problem," explained theologian Calvin Smock. "God's not showing up. The universe is wearing out for lack of maintenance. Time is slowing down. Galaxies are sputtering out. And humans are taking advantage of the power vacuum to start religions of their own."
 
"Ho-hum", said a humdrum God. "What can I say? I have a crisis of faith in Myself. People tell me to pray, but to whom shall I pray?" God's 13 billionth birthday is coming up in July. "Oh God, don't remind me," said the depressed deity. He bought a bright red sports car with a zero-down payment plan, and started dating a twenty-year old stripper named Misty.
 
Then the answer hit Him in a flash of divine insight. "My God, I'm having a mid-life crisis!" God was gobsmacked by his pathetic pity-party. "I've got a universe to run." So He broke up with Misty, sold his bright red sports car, started swimming at the Y every morning, and got His act together. "I'm only halfway through life. I've got another 13 billion years to go," said a reinvigorated Master of All Creation. He quit his job at Dunkin Donuts in Peabody and took back the throne of omnipotence.

 


Anti News ©2017 Chris Hume