The Coronavirus (COVID-19) just made a terrifying new leap in its ability to infect more people. Experts have confirmed that the sickness is now transmittable by text. “A few months ago, the virus became airborne, and the world panicked,” explained epidemiologist Gerald McCough, “but now that it’s text-borne, it could very well bring civilization to its knees.”
The mere act of sending and receiving a text can now induce symptoms of dizziness, thumb-blisters, glazed-over-eyes, lack of focus, false confidence, shortened memory, verbal diarrhea, and death.
Outbreaks are most prevalent in communities who use cell phones to communicate by text. Areas to avoid: everywhere on Earth.
The CDC has issued a directive to cease all texting. Verizon and other major carriers are planning a global text-lockdown. “We may have to go back to writing letters, reading books and… talking,” declared a somber official. But vast swaths of the population have grown up in total absence of these quaint skills, and will be completely immobilized, trapped in a muted bubble of perpetual silence. “No more toilet paper? No more cotton candy butterscotch frappuccinos? And no more emojis?” texted an exasperated teenager before keeling over, dead.
The virus has also become transmittable through Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. But the president remained defiant. “This is just another lib-hoax designed to make me look bad,” he tweeted. Millions of his followers proudly read his tweet, started choking and vomiting, then subsequently died.
And if things couldn’t get worse, the virus can now be spread through online porn. “COVID-19 is now porn-borne,” declared Secretary of Disease Gizmo Coffin. "Simply looking at a dirty picture online can swell the throat shut and cause instant death."
The World Health Organization has officially declared that the Internet itself has tested positive for COVID-19. “We will have to unplug the Internet and quarantine it for at least 8 weeks,” explained a WHO official. “Best preventive measures: learn a musical instrument, plant some vegetables, paint some water colors, and masturbate.”
Warning: Wash your hands after reading this article.
