As the coronavirus pandemic sweeps the globe, shoppers are busy emptying
shelves of life’s basic necessities, hoarding essential items such as sweet relish,
spinners, iPhone cozies, nose feathers, whipped cream, candy corns and capers.

“Look, we could be quarantined for months, maybe years,” said panic shopper Gingi Hogsmith as she jammed her car full of sea salt butterscotch malt balls, “I don’t want to starve!”

Howard Dingman used both arms to carry twenty cases of Fuzzy Navel Peach Liqueur out of the store. “I’m a survivor”, he boasted confidently. “6 months from now, you’ll be drinking your own piss. And I’ll still have a bunker full of Fuzzy Navel.”

One panic shopper rented a box truck and stacked it to double capacity with relish. Another plans to hoard at least 14 years' worth of pretzels and grape bubble gum. Just in case.

“We’re doing our best to keep the supply chain moving smoothly,” explained trucking dispatcher Max Ableton. “We’re working at 200% to make sure
shelves are stocked with toe rings, truffle oil, waffle cones, gummy slugs, Juul Pods, green beer, Play-doh, nipple clamps, fountain pens, elephant tusks, menudo, and everything else to ensure survival during these difficult times."

But virus-mania isn’t just limited to basic needs. Frantic citizens are lining up around the block to get their anuses bleached. “I am not sheltering in place without getting my anus bleached!” declared last-minute anal bleacher Jolene Honk, after spending half a day in line.

So if it's useless and takes up space, grab it and hoard it.

Champion hoarder Bleb Snakespoon bought the entire world's remaining supply of Tic Tacs. "I'll build a castle out of Tic Tacs and live in it," he proclaimed."At least my breath will smell fresh until the end of time."