In a stunning rebuke to the Trump 2020 campaign, Darth Vader flatly turned down an invitation to speak at the Republican Convention. The Sith Lord was expected to give a rousing speech about the virtues of The Dark Side, and how the universe should be ruled through fear and loyalty.

“Why do they need me?” breathed a visibly irritated Vader. “The president already has a son who has gone to the Dark Side, and they plan to rule the galaxy together like a couple of strip club barkers.”

R.N.C. event planners quickly reached out to Dr. Evil to fill the speaking slot. “Look, I really appreciate it, and I need the work,” explained Dr. Evil, “but I’d feel like a blushing school girl up there surrounded by all those evil over-achievers.”

The Wicked Witch of the West was next on the short list. But she refused. “You assholes hired all my flying monkeys!” screamed the angry witch, citing their regular appearance at the president’s rallies, and numerous positions in his cabinet. “I'm sure you’ll find the right scumbag,” she added, “just give me back my flying monkeys! Green Lives Matter!”

Jeffery Dahmer was also considered for the speaking role. “The guy's a hero!” said R.N.C. coordinator Clem McPustule. “He killed, cooked and ate gay minorities. Plus he’s white!” Dahmer declined the offer, claiming he wasn’t cruel and cannibalistic enough for the R.N.C.

Republicans had finally hit the bottom of the barrel. Then they had a flash of inspiration! “Let’s invite Derek Chauvin, the cop who killed George Floyd!” squeaked a jubilant Republican. “Not only did he murder an unarmed black man, but he's also a tax cheater!”*

And so, the R.N.C. found the perfect fit for its Cinderella slipper. Officer Chauvin was pardoned by the president and offered the position of Attorney General.

“Really?” said Darth Vader. “Take my robe and helmet, I’m done.”