In a landmark 6-3 decision, The Supreme Court struck down the time-honored tradition of tossing dog-poo into other people’s trashcans. The high-profile case of Poo-Bag vs Garbage Can was split evenly along ideological lines, with conservative Justice Samuel Alito delivering the majority opinion.
“Garbage is private property, and private property is sacred,” declared Alito, “Henceforth, garbage is sacred.”
Justice Stephen Breyer penned the dissenting opinion. “It all ends up in the same place. Tossing waste into a trash receptacle is responsible and thoughtful, and it keeps our streets clean.”
But the bitter fight over Poo-Bag vs Garbage Can has raged for decades in suburban America, resulting in fistfights and lawsuits before finding its way to the Supreme Court.
“What’s the big deal? It all gets picked up on trash day,” said dog owner Sandy Meachum. “and I always bag my Chihuahua’s poo before tossing it into a neighbor’s trashcan. No harm done."
“Over my dead, rotting body!” howled beer-gutted neighbor Tug Whipwell. “Just another radical socialist slippery slope. Next thing, she’ll be tossing her dog-poo into my mouth!” Tug installed night-vision security cameras on his trashcan, and a sniper tower on his roof.
Now that it’s law, anyone caught violating a stranger’s trash can be legally beaten to death, and left out for the crows.
“Nobody touches my garbage or my freedom!” gloated Tug Whipwell, as he pooped out a foot long steamer and left it on the sidewalk.
