Ben & Jerry’s, step aside. Saving the planet with leftist progressive ice cream is so yesterday. Make way for Zeke & Bubba’s, the frosty new dudes on the block, with their ultra-conservative assortment of fantastic fascist flavors that will tickle your taste buds and pickle your brains.

This week, Zeke & Bubba’s announces Abortion Crunch, its latest frozen delight. A creamy Madagascar vanilla is speckled with tiny fetus-shaped dark chocolate bits that will leave your mouth teeming with unborn life. “I got a chocolate fetus lodged in my teeth,” said ice cream lover Jock Hench, “after I flossed it out, I named her Madison.”

And then there’s Book-Burning Butterbrickle. Rich butter pecan ice cream flecked with burned bits of banned books. Your next scoop might contain “Catcher In The Rye”, “To Kill A Mockingbird” or “1984”, all finely ground up and charred beyond recognition. Enjoy the smoky, buttery nutty flavor of Book-Burning Butterbrickle.

Medication Madness is hitting the freezer section this summer. It’s a smooth peppermint sorbet laced with Seroquel, Klonopin and Haldol. One scoop will leave you drooling for more!

This fall, get ready for Shooter’s Delight: a zesty espresso and Red Bull ripple chock full of real bullets. Swallow them whole, pick them out of your poop, and load your Glock for your next shooting spree. Each pint contains 40 rounds.

And just in time for canceled winter, it’s Fossil Fudge! This glacier-melting treat comes with thick fudgy gobs of “oil” mixed with dinosaur-shaped chunks of coal. 10,000 acres of forest gets clear-cut every time you buy one carton of Fossil Fudge. So buy a hundred cartons, and help fuck the Earth! (U.S. flag emoji)

And finally, there’s Confederate Confetti. White chocolate ice cream with ribbons of white chocolate fudge and white chocolate chips in a crunchy confederate confetti of Rice Krispies. The white kind.

Zeke & Bubba’s. The dessert for a cultural desert. Eat up!