It started out as a minor parking lot brawl, and exploded into a full blown Constitutional crisis. Last week, the Second Amendment got pissed off and shot the First Amendment in the face.

"He called me a whacked-out gun-toting douche bag!" claimed Second Amendment. "Well that's what he is!" retorted First Amendment, from his hospital bed. "And it's my natural born right to freely express myself regarding his psychotic gun fetish."

"And it's my God given right to shoot him in the face," screamed Second Amendment. "I felt threatened by First Amendment, and I had to defend myself."

"Oh please!" said First Amendment. "This idiot could have just yelled at me or flipped me off. I'm the First Amendment. I can handle that. But don't shoot me in the face."

First Amendment sued Second Amendment for damages. Second Amendment then hired a really, really expensive attorney who advised him to plead the Fifth. Fifth Amendment, now drawn into the melee, posed the threat of a wider Constitutional conflict.

"He's my good friend," explained Fifth Amendment. "I can't just stand by and watch a proud patriot get railroaded by some free speech extremist! So I'm covering his ass."

First Amendment then rallied support from his pals, the Sixth, the Seventh, and the Thirteenth and Nineteenth Amendments. Second Amendment then welcomed Tenth Amendment to his side, along with his old buddy the Eleventh. "You and me" said Eleventh Amendment to Second Amendment, "we'll mop the floor with First Amendment's ass!"

And so a minor disagreement (peppered with gunfire) threatens to ignite a Constitutional civil war. "This Constitution ain't big enough for the two of us!" bellowed Second Amendment to First, as he reloaded his glock. "And you can keep your silly little Nineteenth Amendment (the one that allows women to vote)! All the hairy-chested, God fearing Amendments are coming with me!"

The Amendments chose sides, and girded up for the ultimate showdown.
The Cataclysmic Constitutional Body Slam! Free Speech vs. Firepower! (now available on pay per view).

The Badass Bill of Rights Battle of the Ages threatened to bring America to its knees. In order to diffuse the situation, the Senate voted to expel First Amendment from the Constitution. "We can't just have this Freedom of Speech guy stomping all around," said Senator Braxton Daterape of Alabama, "unless it's sneezing on an old person or praying for the president."

First Amendment was sent packing, with fifty bucks and a cardboard shirt. "I'll be okay," said the bandaged paragon of free will. "I'll find another country that will insert me into their constitution. As soon as my face heals up."

Anti News ©2020 Chris Hume