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ANTI NEWS BULLETIN # 101:

SECOND AMENDMENT SHOOTS FIRST AMENDMENT IN THE FACE

 

 
 

It started out as a minor parking lot brawl, and exploded into a full blown Constitutional crisis. Last week, the Second Amendment got pissed off and shot the First Amendment in the face.

"He called me a whacked-out gun-toting douche bag!" claimed Second Amendment. "Well that's what he is!" retorted First Amendment, from his hospital bed. "And it's my natural born right to freely express myself regarding his psychotic gun fetish."

"And it's my God given right to shoot him in the face with my
AR-15," said Second Amendment. "I felt threatened by First Amendment, and I had to defend myself."

"Oh please!" said First Amendment. "This idiot could have just yelled at me, or flipped me off. I'm the First Amendment. I can handle that. But don't shoot me in the face for Christ's sake."

First Amendment sued Second Amendment for damages. Second Amendment then hired an attorney, who advised him to plead the Fifth. Fifth Amendment, now drawn into the melee, poses the threat of a wider Constitutional conflict.

"He's my good friend" explained Fifth Amendment. "I can't just stand by and watch a proud patriot get railroaded by some free speech wing nut! So I'm covering his ass."

First Amendment then rallied support from his pals, the Sixth, the Seventh, and the Thirteenth and Nineteenth Amendments. Second Amendment then welcomed Tenth Amendment to his side, along with his old buddy the Eleventh. "You and me" said Eleventh Amendment to Second Amendment, "we'll mop the floor with First Amendment's ass!"

And so a minor disagreement (peppered with gunfire) threatens to ignite a Constitutional civil war. "This Constitution ain't big enough for the two of us!" said Second Amendment to First, as he reloaded his Glock. "And you can keep your silly little Nineteenth Amendment (the one that allows women to vote)! All the manly, God fearing Amendments are coming with me!"

But the standoff continues. The Amendments chose sides, and girded up
for the ultimate showdown. The Cataclysmic Constitutional Body Slam! Free Speech vs. Firepower! (now available on pay per view).

The Badass Bill of Rights Battle of the Ages threatened to bring America to its knees. In order to diffuse the situation, Congress finally voted to expel First Amendment from the Constitution. "We can't just have this Freedom of Speech guy stomping all around," said Rep. Braxton Shizzle of Alabama,
"unless it's outside of a Planned Parenthood clinic."

First Amendment was sent packing, with fifty bucks and a cardboard shirt. "I'll be okay," said the disgraced paragon of free thought. "I'll find another country that will insert me into their constitution. As soon as my face heals up."

  A guide to the Constitutional Amendments


Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume

 

 

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