Yesterday, Religious Freedom dealt Your Freedom a swift kick in the gut. Your Freedom took a serious Bible thumping and went down like a sack of potatoes. And then Religious Freedom did a touchdown dance on the Your Freedom's head.

"Today is a glorious day!" declared Zack Hinkle, a religiously free person. "Depriving other Americans of their basic needs and choices fills me with joy and confidence."

Americans celebrated their religious freedom all across the heartland. "It's like waking up from a secular nightmare," said Agnes Sockface of Chugwater, Wyoming. "We've chafed under the jackboot of tolerance and free will long enough!"

ChristBurger, a religiously free fast food chain, believes that hiring underage children, working them without pay, and beating them with metal rods is a Biblical truth. "Now we are free to exercise our deeply held convictions," said ChristBurger CEO Harold Mothball, "and if they all get each other pregnant on the job, that's their religious freedom too!"

The Religious Freedom Tsunami has swept the nation by storm. Slavery was reinstated in twenty states. Homosexuality was outlawed in twenty more. And beating your wives if they don't bear you dozens of children is now a Religious Freedom (because the Bible says so).

Reverend Calvin Lockjaw explained. "If we weren't bound by faith to a set of non-existent rules that have nothing to do with today's society, then we wouldn't be free!"

"Praise be!" declared 12 year-old Stacy Toddlespoon. "Knowing that I can't afford contraception, and that I will have to give birth to my rape baby against my will makes me free!"

But the struggle for total religious freedom is far from over. "I hate rock music, peanut butter cheesecake, women, and Cosmos," said Bob Haggis of his deeply held convictions. "Anyone who partakes in these abominations should be hanged until dead." Bob Haggis is now the official Hangman for the Ministry of Religious Freedom for the Southeastern United States.

And so, Religious Freedom has liberated America from the horrors of Secular Tyranny. "Let Freedom Ring!" said Stanley Stenchworth, CEO of 'Hot Wings N Prayer'. "As long as you cook the meals, wash the dishes, bear the children, and keep your mouth shut, you'll be free."

Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume