Low voter turnout. These three words are music to the GOP's ears. Heavenly harp music, with raw bacon sprinkled on top. Historically, low voter turnout has always benefited the GOP in every election. Therefore, the total absence of citizen awareness is the Republican Party's pathway to victory. And their message is loud and clear: Voting is dangerous, and is best left to professionals.


"Apathy is patriotism!" shouted GOP strategist Huckleberry Slothman. "Why stand in some boring line for hours, waiting to vote, when you could be sitting at home, packing your food-hole with jalapeno caramel cream cheese poppers?"


Their latest campaign, "Voting is for Loosers", has been targeted in primarily poor and ethnic neighborhoods. "America was built on institutionalized apathy," explained Mr. Slothman. "Let's not jump off that freedom ship now!" Some of the suggested alternatives to voting include: sleeping on the toilet, watching other people play video games, staring at the wall, eating carpet lint and sticking your genitals into a wasps' nest.


"Voting is a gateway drug," explained fearologist Jenkins Hogwash. "From there it's marijuana, crystal meth, cross-dressing, bestiality, terrorism, cannibalism and finally - environmentalism!"


The GOP has organized 'Un-Rock the Vote' parties across America, giving out free beer, sleeping pills, and broken condoms. The "Voting Is For Loosers" campaign has been wildly successful, with voter turnout expected to be over 0% this fall. And Republicans are thrilled. "Finally we can pave the Grand Canyon and fill the Great Lakes with gasoline," said Huckleberry Slothman. "Thank you America, for not voting!"


Actually the GOP does allow for voting on certain occasions, as long it's against your best interest. "I voted last year," said voter Doyle Washcloth, "and now my house is a freeway, my gay son's in prison and my 9-year old daughter's a mother. But hey, at least I'm doing my patriotic duty. All over myself."