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ANTI NEWS BULLETIN # 113:

GOP'S MESSAGE TO AMERICA:
DON'T VOTE, STAY HOME AND STUFF YOUR FACE


 

 
 

 

Low voter turnout. Those three words are music to the GOP's ears. Heavenly harp music, with raw bacon sprinkled on top. Historically, low voter turnout has always benefited the GOP in every election. Therefore, the total absence of citizen awareness is the Republican Party's recipe for victory this year. And their message is loud and clear: Voting is dangerous, and is best left to professionals.

"Apathy is patriotism!" shouted GOP strategist Huckleberry Slothman. "Why stand in some boring line for hours, waiting to vote, when you could be sitting at home, packing your food-hole with jalapeno cream cheese poppers?"

Their latest campaign, 'Voting is for Losers', has been targeted in primarily poor and ethnic neighborhoods. "America was founded on low voter turnout and institutionalized apathy," explained Mr. Slothman. "Let's not jump off that freedom ship now!" The GOP is hoping to break the all-time low voter turnout record this year with a series of powerful messages. Some of the suggested alternatives to voting include: sleeping on the toilet, watching other people play video games, staring at the wall, and sticking your genitals into a wasps' nest.

"Last time we were down to 17% voter turnout nationwide. We can do better!" proclaimed Mr. Slothman. Citing a list of grave threats to the homeland, such as better highways, a stronger economy, healthier children and cleaner air, the GOP stressed that every American must do his part by 'resisting the dangerous urge to vote'.

"Voting is a gateway drug," explained fearologist Jenkins Hogwash. "It's a slippery slope. From there it's marijuana, crystal meth, cross-dressing, bestiality, terrorism, cannibalism and finally - environmentalism!"

The GOP has organized 'Un-Rock the Vote' parties across America, giving out free beer, sleeping pills, and NASCAR caps. The 'Stay Home and Do Nothing' campaign has been wildly successful, with voter turnout expected to be 0% this fall. And Republicans are thrilled. "Finally we can pave the Grand Canyon and fill the Great Lakes with gasoline," said Huckleberry Slothman. "Thank you America, for not voting!"

Actually the GOP does allow for voting on certain occasions, as long it's against your best interest. "I voted last year," said voter Doyle Washcloth, "and now my house is a freeway, my gay son's in prison and my 9-year old daughter's a mother. But hey, at least I've done my duty for America!"


Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume - PLEASE VOTE.

 

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