A group of angry stoners have taken offense at the Sony Pictures pot-comedy 'Pineapple Express'. "This movie is pure bigoted slander," complained anonymous pothead Jeff Glazer. "It portrays us as a bunch of incoherent glassy-eyed losers. We will retaliate!" He then sucked back a sweet hit on his vape and grabbed a handful of Cheetos.
The shadowy group, calling itself "Guardians for Pot" has threatened to bring Sony Corporation to its knees if it didn't get rid of all traces of the 2007 Seth Rogen/James Franco comedy that depicts marijuana smokers as 'hapless goofballs with no self-control'. Sony Pictures executive Shank Nimziki chuckled. "It would be impossible to track down and destroy every print, DVD, Blu-Ray and online copy of 'Pineapple Express'. It came out like seven years ago. Are you guys high or something?"
Guardians for Pot responded with a blistering email. "We will smoke you out! Unless you cave in to our demands, or give us a truckload of Blue Dream by the weekend!" Instead, Sony mocked them by announcing production of a sequel to Pineapple Express. The April 20th, 2015 release date has generated a cloud of outrage among weed-puffers worldwide.
If Sony releases the scandalous stoner sequel, Guardians for Pot (G.O.P.) plans to unleash a wave of unimaginable terror on the American public. This includes threats to flood random movie theatres with millions of gallons of bong water. "America will be reduced to a sea of stinking gray sludge! We will make 4/20 into the 9/11 of Pot, and no moviegoer, anywhere, will be safe."
The FBI has examined stoner-chatter on the Internet, and has declared the bellicose threats of 'Bongocalypse' as pure fantasy. Homeland Security Spokesman Jack Throngman explains, "There's no way that a bunch of wake-n-bakes, who can barely see through their own haze, could pull off an attack of this magnitude."
However, Sony Pictures immediately surrendered, announcing that it was pulling the movie from all theatres around the globe. "Do any of you realize how completely disgusting bong water is?" explained Sony Pictures President Michael Lynton. "Try smelling it, getting it on your lips, or standing in it barefoot." Sony Pictures stands firmly by its decision, citing the need to protect every individual. "Plus, this would just kill the box office overall, and our shareholders won't stand for that!"
But free speech finally prevailed, and Sony officially announced that it will release Pineapple Express 2 after all, on April 20, at exactly 4:20 PM in theatres worldwide. "We will never censor ourselves!" proclaimed Sony. "This is a triumph for freedom, courage and patriotism!" Meanwhile, The G.O.P. received its truckload of Blue Dream, and all their threats vanished in a puff of smoke.