Champion Winningsworth, ruthless slumlord, oil baron, casino mogul, toxic waste tycoon and multi billionaire, won the mega ultra jackpot lottery this week. Winningsworth sent his secretary's gardener's babysitter into town to purchase a single lottery ticket at a Tallahassee Florida Loaf'n'Jug. The winnings: a whopping $389 million dollars. And it all goes to one person: billionaire Champion Winningsworth.
"I'm blessed," he said as he drove off in his ruby studded gold plated leopard skin Jaguar, "The good Lord Jesus smiles upon me a little more than others, I guess." Winningsworth is giving a generous twenty dollar bonus to his staff, in gratitude for purchasing the winning ticket. "And they plan to split that twenty bucks evenly amongst themselves", he said with a charming smile.
Over half a billion tickets were sold in the latest 28-state super lotto mega power ball jackpot, making it the largest take in U.S. history. The prize is often shared by multiple winners who choose the same number, or office pools buy large rafts of tickets and split the money. But not this time. Lottery expert Jack Daily explains: A single winner is rare. The odds are almost fifty sextillion to one. I offer my sincere humble congratulations to billionaire Champion Winningsworth."
The majority of lotto ticket buyers are middle or working class folks, which provides many Americans with the dream of financial security. "I bought like fifty tickets yesterday", said out of work crossing guard Wilma Perkins. "I have car payments, a 15 year old computer, three kids, and a bad tooth. I could certainly use a few hundred million. Maybe next year."
Meanwhile Champion Winningsworth is adding a dozen zebras and several hippos to his hunting game reserve in Texas. And he's adding several floors to his wife's chalet in Switzerland, along with a fifth boob job. "It's like Christmas in July! This is the best stocking stuffer I've ever gotten. Thank you America!"
Winningsworth's "empire" of substandard apartment buildings continues to languish. And his latest dumping of toxic sludge into the Arctic Ocean has angered environmentalists. "Now I can pay the fines with free money!" he chortled, while power chugging a glass of Napoleonic wine.
Winningsworth is now widening his lead in the Senate race against the Democratic incumbent from Florida. With unlimited funds, he plans to "close the game" with a blizzard of phony attack ads. "And when I win" Winningsworth said confidently, "I will go the Loaf'n'Jug and buy another lottery ticket. And win."