In one of the most brazen cyber attacks in memory, God, Lord of All Creation, had his username and password hacked. The repercussions are still unknown, but many believe this could bring the entire cosmos to its knees.
"I'm such an idiot!" said God, who admitted He had the same password for everything, from His bank account, to His email, to His Netflix, to His Twitter, and even to the master switch that turns the universe on and off.
"You've got to have different passwords for all your stuff," said Steve Knobston of Identity Theft Protection Services. "Otherwise, you're toast. Of all people, God should have known that."
No one is sure who managed to crack the code to God's account. A massive cyber manhunt is now underway. North Korea denied any wrongdoing, citing that God doesn't really exist. A number of anonymous hackers claimed responsibility, but none could ever prove they had God's password.
"My username 'SupremeGuy#1' is pretty obvious," explained God. "But how did they know my password - StinkyBinky RubberPinky12345?
I thought that was unbreakable."
God's bank account was cleaned out. God's credit cards were maxed out. Airline tickets to Brazil, Bora Bora and Switzerland, along with 7,000 iPhones, 6,000 sex toys and 3 million gallons of ice cream were all charged in the Lord's name. The hacker even managed to use God's password to break into His summer home and steal His private laptop.
"I sure hope they don't find my dick pics," said an embarrassed God.
"This is the mother of all hacks," said cyber expert Winston Poindexter.
"If they can hack God, they can hack anybody!"
After stealing God's identity, the hacker went on to reverse the flow of Niagara Falls, replace the Atlantic Ocean with grape Kool-Aid, eradicate the workday, bring back the dinosaurs, and give them machine guns. "Who's your God now?" tweeted the hacker, as the universe imploded into a black hole.
And then God suddenly remembered - He's God. "Oops! Brain fart!" He chortled. Taking charge of his limitless, all-seeing power, He found the hacker, 42-year old Frank Dillwick of Plano Texas, and retroactively flattened him with a cement truck five years ago. The Lord of all Creation then restored the cosmos and got all His money back.
"No one messes with God," He said, sipping a cold beer on his front porch. "But this time, I'm changing my password."
||Anti News ©2015 Chris Hume