The 26 year-old inventor of the cardboard coffee cup ring (that keeps you from burning your fingers when holding a hot cup of coffee), is now the richest human being on Earth. So rich, in fact, that he purchased the planet Earth as a dog toy for his Labradoodle, Mr. Bobbles.
"It's a tax write-off," said Coffee Cup Ring Man (his legal super hero name). "This way I can keep more money next year for myself."
The quadrillionaire, who made his fortune from a 3.5 inch diameter ring of corrugated cardboard, pretty much owns everything. Now he plans to buy it all over again, from himself, at an enormous profit.
"Ten years ago, I burned my fingers on a cup of coffee," he explained. "Rather than just burn them again like a chump, I decided to start an empire and take ownership of everything. It was a pretty easy choice."
The circular sleeve fits around any coffee cup, and costs about .005¢ to produce. "On the surface, it looks like a simple and elegant business model," explains economist Wilfred Angsley. "But behind this well intended finger-protector, lies a vast conspiracy; a diabolical vision for world conquest designed to enslave us all."
Other entrepreneurs have made fortunes from ridiculously simple ideas. The makers of the Pet Rock, Hello Kitty, and Smart Water have all retired as millionaires. But none of them planned on snowballing their good ideas into all-out cosmic domination.
"I plan to make the world a better place," said Coffee Cup Ring Man from his resort planet. "I will donate more than fifteen dollars towards a cure for cancer and tipping my car wash guy. The rest goes back into aggressive high-yield petroleum futures."
Meanwhile, Mr. Bobbles grew bored with his chewed up dog toy, Earth, and lost it under the sofa. "We should have seen this coming," said terrified coffee drinker Sandra Johnson. "Now our world has been plunged into total darkness and is being attacked by giant dust bunnies."
"You wanted a more comfortable coffee experience," cackled Coffee Cup Ring Man. "Now you will pay the price! Bow before your mighty overlord or die!"
"I kind of miss having free will and sunlight," said citizen Tom Eggleston. "But at least we won't burn our fingers on that next latté."
||Anti News ©2015 Chris Hume