Today, Angry Bigot Jesus challenged his arch nemesis, Social Justice Jesus, to a schoolyard fight. "Come on, you spineless do-gooder pansy," said Angry Bigot Jesus to Social Justice Jesus "If you've got any balls, meet me after gym class out by the bike racks!"
Social Justice Jesus fired back. "I'll defeat you with empathy and compassion. Bring it on!"
"I can bench 350," bellowed Angry Bigot Jesus. "Prepare to be smacked down, you minority-loving, tree-hugging jellyfish!"
Angry Bigot Jesus showed off his manly prowess by backing over a black-gay-owned organic vegetable garden in his white pickup truck festooned with Confederate flags. "America's a White Christian Meat Lovers' Nation!" He shouted, "The Bible says so!"
"The Bible says we must love and respect our fellow beings," said Social Justice Jesus.
"The Bible says treat your slaves as you would your goats," said Angry Bigot Jesus.
"The Bible says we must care for our precious world," said Social Justice Jesus.
"The Bible says drill, baby, drill!" said Angry Bigot Jesus, brandishing his AR-15.
"I pray for your dumb ass." said Social Justice Jesus in a rare off-color invective. The 3 o'clock school bell rang, and the Messiahs fell upon each other, kicking up a holy, bloody dust cloud. Angry Bigot Jesus threw his challenger to the ground. Social Justice Jesus pummeled his opponent's fists with his cheekbone. Millions logged in on pay-per-view to watch the Ultimate Biblical Blowout of the Century.
"Which Jesus should I bet on?" said fight fan Wilma Sanford, "the one in the flowing white gown, or the one in the day-glo camouflage jumpsuit?"
When the dust cleared, the Sons of God were both in sorry shape. "I could really go for some raspberry cheesecake," said an exhausted Angry Bigot Jesus. "I love raspberry cheesecake too!" said Social Justice Jesus, "with the Oreo cookie crust, right?"
"Hell, yeah!" said Angry Bigot Jesus, "and that peanut butter drizzle on top. Let's go!" And so the Lords both went to Denny's and got the Tuesday special for $3.99 a slice.
"It all makes perfect sense," said theologian Clarence Vickers. "The timeless battle between good and evil, between light and dark, could only be settled by a slice of raspberry cheesecake. With Oreo cookie crust."
||Anti News ©2015 Chris Hume