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BREAKING ANTI NEWS!

ONE MILLIONTH GOP CANDIDATE ENTERS RACE


 

 
 

Derrick Braxton, exotic game hunter and explosives enthusiast, became the one millionth candidate to enter the already crowded GOP presidential race. Dressed in a camouflage fishing hat, stars and stripes grape-hugger, and a bandolier of anti aircraft shells, Mr. Braxton made his announcement via webcam from his mother's basement.

"Today, I proudly declare my official candidacy for President of the United States." Braxton confidently said to a cheering crowd of three (including his three pit bulls Murder, Mayhem and Man Eater).

As the one millionth candidate to enter the ring, lucky Derrick Braxton won the prize: a lifetime supply of hollow-point bullets and a bunker full of grenades and assault rifles. "This is a true honor," said the presidential hopeful, "and I promise to use my winnings generously throughout my administration."

"This is a little out of control," said Jennifer York of ResponsiblePolitics.org. "The primary ballot is going to be at least 20,000 pages long."

Ever since the rules were relaxed last year, countless hordes of fired-up Americans have joined the race. "All you need is five dollars and proof that you're a mentally unstable gun owner," said Cleb Cleghorn, GOP candidate number 352,161. "All my kids and grandkids are running for president as well."

"Hey, it's just democracy distilled down to its purest form," explained Professor Hodge Wilkins. "At this point, we now have more GOP candidates than we have GOP voters"

Former front runners such as Jeb Bush, Ted Cruz, and Scott Walker have slipped in the polls, accused of being too "wishy-washy and soft-serve to kill their way up into the White House."  Among the top contenders now are former sniper and taxidermist Jared Strong, monster truck date rapist Angry Chesthair, and of course, Derrick Braxton.

On the Democratic side, Hillary Clinton stands nearly alone, facing over a million foaming-at-the-mouth opponents. "It'll be like Braveheart," she said, "I'll just put my splash-guard helmet on and plunge screaming into the battlefield."

Now that the field is so huge, how will the GOP narrow itself down to the final nominee? "We don't have time for debates," explained event coordinator Hank Knowlton. Possible methods include an enormous circular firing squad, a game of million-man strip poker, or even a stadium sized mud'n'blood brawl.

Political scientist Winslow Picayune has already picked a winner. "A million clowns will die, and from the smoldering pile of corpses, one will rise... and his name shall be Donald Trump."

  Anti News ¬©2015 Chris Hume


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