Last week, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton was caught putting the toilet paper on the wrong way in her private bathroom. Although she claimed it was "only an accident", Congress believes that she did it with "full intent to jeopardize national security".
The former Secretary of State is accused of replacing the roll of toilet paper in the "under" rather than the "over" position. "This is a clear indication that Hillary is 'out of touch' with America," explained Calvin Tubbs of the Diversion Institute. The scandal, known as "ToiletGate" has dominated headlines for over a month now, and could bring down her campaign.
"This is bigger than Benghazi!!" shouted angry patriot Cleb Hogdiddle, "it's tantamount to treason!" Meanwhile, Hillary is losing support among her base. "I was a big Hillary supporter," said Theresa Hawkins, "until I heard she rolled the toilet paper the wrong way." Mrs. Hawkins now plans to vote against her family's own best interests, due to the ToiletGate scandal.
The controversy has the Clinton camp scrambling for damage control. "This is clearly a diversion from real issues," explained Clinton strategist Paula Sledge. "What about her record on foreign policy, women's rights, health care and the economy?" But public outcry over ToiletGate drowned her out. "Who gives a shit about issues?" yelled flag flapper Braxton Pritchett. "I'm a stars and stripes toilet paper voter!"
The scandal broke wide when Christian activist Hank Luther, posing as a journalist, broke into Clinton's home and secretly videotaped Mrs. Clinton as she re-installed the toilet paper incorrectly. The footage went viral, and her polls plummeted.
Hillary tried to press charges for breaking and entering, but Hank Luther was exonerated on grounds of religious freedom. "I was only doing the Lord's work," said the God-fearing burglar and peeping tom.
Meanwhile, GOP presidential candidate Tex "Buck" Sloakum set fire to the world's last remaining African albino zebra. He then catapulted the flaming carcass into a Planned Parenthood clinic, where it killed 25 innocent victims. The press treated the incident lightly, explaining that Tex was only "horsing around" and "Boys will be boys!"
Former Hillary supporter Theresa Hawkins made up her mind. "Tex Sloakum's got my vote!" she said. "At least he puts the toilet paper on the right way."
||Anti News ©2015 Chris Hume