Eldora, Iowa: A knitting club in this small rural Iowa community feels left out on all the action in Syria. So the circle of elderly women, who meet twice a week to share their latest knitting projects, has decided to join the most popular civil war in history.
"The Russians are doing it. The Americans are doing it. The Iranians are doing it. Heck even the Jordanians are doing it," said grandmother Scarlett McCoy. "It's time for us to get in there and knock some heads together!"
And so, KWA (Knitters With Attitude) is loading up their needles and yarn, leaving Iowa, and heading for the most dangerous place on Earth.
"We're going to shift the balance of power in the Middle East," explained Mildred Simmons, 87. "We will supply fighters with machine gun cozies, bomb slippers, and tank blankets. Plus I can fly a Black Hawk under enemy radar." Knitters With Attitude plans to establish an all-you-can-knit zone, defended by a twenty-mile perimeter quilt to keep out "hooligans and crazies".
"It's an extremely complex global crisis," said military analyst Geoff Tazer, "There are so many factions involved the Syrian Civil War. And there are more coming every day."
Last week, a team of Life Coaches established a beachhead in Syria. "We'll carpet bomb Syria with self-help books," explained head Life Coach Rainbow Happiness.
Also joining the fray is a squadron of hairdressers from Beverly Hills. "How can you fight a civil war with tangled filthy hair?" explained stylist Stacy Root. "The country needs a good wash and a shaping. Not to mention a generous handful of hair gel."
And the latest group to join the fight, a band of radical pastry chefs, has established a foothold in northern Syria. "ISIS can't possibly compete with our maple bacon cinnamon buns," said chief baker Slim Fatman. "We will lob them into enemy territory and take out their infrastructure."
By now, the conflict is more chaotic than ever, threatening to fracture Syria into literally hundreds of tiny pieces.
"Not on our watch!" said Gertrude Kelly, Chief Knitter. "We're here for the big win! We're going to fight, one sweater at time, until we will knit this country back together!"