According to Easter lore, Jesus was crucified and entombed in a cave on Good Friday. Then on Easter Sunday, the stone was rolled away, and miraculously His body was gone! This 48-hour tale of death and resurrection has captivated millions throughout the ages, and has been the source of numerous books, movies and even a holiday where chocolate rabbits get eaten.
But what happened on that Saturday in between? Recently, a team of experts examined the historical cave where Jesus was dumped, and what they discovered could put a shocking new wrinkle into the plot...
"There's roughly a 48 hour 'blackout period' between 'crucifixion' and 'resurrection'", explained forensic archeologist Jason Butterworth. "Jesus woke up from his Friday ordeal badly injured, but alive. Luckily, he had his trusty rock hammer and chisel hidden in his crown of thorns."
After weeks of meticulous excavation, workers uncovered the remains of an escape tunnel in the back of the cave. The tiny opening was concealed by a tattered poster of some first-century pin-up girl. "She was the Rita Hayworth of her time, a real Biblical bombshell," explained historian Jenna Powell. "Jesus must have chiseled for hours, burrowing for hundreds of yards into the bedrock with his tiny rock hammer."
After accomplishing this super-human effort, Jesus then slid the pin-up poster back into place. The next day, Mary Magdalene found the cave to be miraculously empty. "Apparently nobody bothered to look behind the poster," explained historian Jenna Powell, "until today."
The new discovery has upended thousands of years of religious doctrine. "This is an outrage! Fake news! The whole thing was staged!" declared Cardinal Guido Balducci. "Jesus resurrected! End of story!"
But there is one man who can settle this controversy once and for all. "It was a hell of a Saturday!" said Jesus from his hideout in Mexico. "I tunneled for several miles, then I popped out in the middle of a cow pasture." After crawling out of the ground, the fugitive Son of God then dug up his hidden supply of cash, and headed for the border.
And so, "Shawshank Saturday" is the new holiday on the calendar. "It doesn't matter what people believe", said Jesus, "just keep the paparazzi off my property."
