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BREAKING ANTI NEWS!

GOD FIXES BROKEN WORLD BY TURNING IT OFF,
THEN TURNING IT BACK ON

 

 
 
Last week, the World broke down, and God had no idea what to do. For nearly 5 billion years, His creation had functioned perfectly (aside from the occasional asteroid-strike). "I guess it's just getting old, or maybe there's some sort of virus," said a frustrated God, as he tried to get the World working again, but with no success.
 
God first noticed problems when the World began overheating about thirty years ago. "Everything started locking up, and I couldn't move my cursor anymore," said God, staring angrily at his damaged masterpiece. God called tech support, but was put on hold for several years, listening to Taylor Swift's greatest hits while smacking His head with His fist. "I can't get my fucking world to work, I've tried everything!" complained God. A tech support professional from Mumbai told God "just Google it, and you will find the answer."
 
God was furious. He banged on it, shook it, and threw it against the wall. "Maybe that'll fix it!" screamed God at his stupid broken world. But that only made it worse. His world's atmosphere turned from crystal blue to phlegmatic yellow. Sirens and honking horns and gunfire kept God awake all night. And a blizzard of pop up ads for Viagra filled God's screen. "Please, somebody fix my broken world!" cried God. And then He remembered that one time, not so long ago, when he had downloaded some really nasty-ass files, something called "Humans1.0". "I was just curious, so I clicked on it. Whatever!"  Once downloaded, the malicious software replicated over and over, filling up every crevice, gobbling up all the resources, and eventually carpeting the entire surface of the Earth, until the whole system crashed.
 
God brought his broken Earth back to the Apple Store, hoping that one of the Apple geniuses would give him an answer. "Looks like you've got a virus", said the Apple genius, "just throw your world away and get a new one."
 
But God wasn't about to toss his precious creation into the trash. After staring at His jaundiced and pockmarked globe, he reached down near the South Pole, and hit the OFF switch.  Earth went black. God waited a few seconds, then flipped it back on. It made that encouraging chime as it powered back up. "Why didn't I think of this before?"  thought God. Earth was clean-slated back to its infancy. The primeval oceans churned with the first building blocks of life. Again. God smiled, and breathed a sigh of relief. "It'll take about 4.5 billion years to reboot, but hey, I've got all the time in the world."
 
 
 
 
 

 

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  Anti News ©2016 Chris Hume


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