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BREAKING ANTI NEWS!

EARTH VOTES TO LEAVE SOLAR SYSTEM

 

 
 
In a stunning upset, Earth officially voted to leave the Solar System. The 60-40 victory in favor of "breaking orbit" sends a clear message to the all-powerful Sun: Earth needs a little space.
 
"This is a great day for Earth and a great day for freedom!" yelled Leave-the-Solar-System leader Bruce Blump. "We've chafed under this elite sun-based establishment long enough!"
 
The opposition "Stay-In-Orbit" campaign had worked tirelessly, right up until the polls closed. "We need the sun," explained Shannon Leith, a pro-solar system activist, "It provides everything we need for life. Without it we're basically screwed."
 
But angry excited Earthlings turned out in droves to vote themselves out of orbit. The historic decision to exit the solar system now leaves Earth in the dark. But crowds were too busy celebrating to take notice.
 
"We don't need no stinking sun!" said Anti Solar-System voter Jack Glib,  "We've been circling that socialist ball for billions of years. And what do we get out of it? Some lousy heat, and some crappy sunlight! It's time for us to go it alone!"
 
World financial markets plunged at the news that Earth was leaving the Solar System. "No one saw this coming," said jittery investor Jason Peacock. "I should have invested in flashlight batteries."
 
Despite warnings of dire consequences, Leave-the-Solar-System supporters are more cheerful and cocksure than ever. "We're taking Earth out onto the high seas! Interstellar space! No heat, no light, no nothing! Just freedom," said an excited Randy Whipple. "All those other planets will follow us into the void, just you wait!"
 
Now that Earth has officially unhitched from the Solar System, there are still many details to iron out. "We won't be departing right away," explained logistics expert Calvin Jeffco, "We still need time to pack everything up. Sweaters, parkas, mittens. It's going to be cold and dark out there. At least we've got plenty of soda, tons of pretzels, and a couple hundred years supply of coal!"
  
 
  Anti News ©2016 Chris Hume


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