Clyde Hagsworth, a chief spokesman and attorney for the National Rifle Association, was shot in the face and neck today by a deranged gunman. And Clyde Hagsworth has nothing but praise for his shooter, citing "excellence and commitment to our God Given second amendment rights."
Deranged gunman (and former black ops commander) Nellis Flagman opened fire on a group of mothers and children at a city park last week, killing seven and wounding twelve others. NRA attorney Clyde Hagsworth was strolling through the park, eating a bratwurst, when he was struck by random spray from Flagman's legally purchased assault rifle. Flagman (who was wearing camo face paint at the time) insists it was all in self defense.
"I heard a voice in my head." said Flagman, the alleged shooter. "And it told me to protect the homeland from these terrorists, cleverly disguised as mothers and children." Flagman is free on $500.00 bail, and is hiring a team of powerful defense lawyers including, ironically, NRA attorney Clyde Hagsworth. "It would be my honor to represent this hero", Hagsworth communicated from his sip'n'puff wheel chair.
Hagswroth, an avid sportsman and father of eleven, has undergone days of agonizing surgery. Grossly disfigured, he will never again be able to eat a bratwurst, drive an F-350 Super Duty, walk, talk, or fire a gun. By blinking his remaining eyelid, using Morse code, Hagsworth communicated a message to his would-be killer:
"I thank you, and America thanks you. You have shown once and for all, that we are a safer and stronger nation. Let this be a battle cry to all those loonie liberals out there..." he paused, giving his eyelid a rest, "A minor mishap such as mine is a glorious sacrifice; a patriotic casualty in the never ending good fight - the fight for an America free to defend itself, door to door, alley to alley, block to block."
Clyde plans to represent his client pro-bono. As he sip'n'puffed his way up the courthouse stairs, he blinked to a throng of reporters. Translation: "I can't bring myself to take money from this super patriot. That would send a discouraging message to self styled justice makers everywhere." When asked about the numerous other victims of the Flagman Massacre, Clyde Hagsworth blinked: "Those so called mothers and children were enemy combatants, and my client deserves a medal, not a prison cell. Otherwise it's merely collateral damage. Either way, my client is a soldier, a warrior, and a victim of the liberal hate campaign."
Clyde is hoping for a wealth of new clients as a result of this landmark case. "Deranged shooters everywhere need a good attorney, and I'm their man." But hard times lie ahead for this quadriplegic gun enthusiast. He owes half a million dollars for reconstructive surgery, round the clock ass-wiping and sponge baths. But Clyde Hagsworth is unafraid of his looming bankruptcy for lack of health insurance. "God will find a solution for me",