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BREAKING ANTI NEWS!

CORPORATION FINED $150
FOR DESTROYING THE EARTH

 

 
 
GloboGiant, the multi national energy corporation, is being fined one hundred and fifty dollars for destroying the Earth. "This is pure slander!" said GloboGiant CEO Hugo Jockburger, "GloboGiant is totally innocent of these preposterous charges. Honestly, Earth would have blown itself up without our help."
 
The massive corporation is accused of demolishing the world through hyper-fracking. "Hyper-fracking is fracking on steroids, crack, Viagra and ghost peppers... combined", said geologist Clarence Buckner. In order to satisfy humanity's unending thirst for fuel, GloboGiant attempted to pump the entire Pacific Ocean beneath the Earth's crust in the hopes of squeezing out a few more barrels of oil, plus a holiday bonus for its CEO. The whole project went terribly wrong when the massive amount of cold water came into contact with Earth's molten core, causing it to shatter and explode.
 
"It was nothing more than a well-intended accident", explained Jockburger. The cataclysmic explosion blew the Earth into countless smithereens, (much like Alderan in Star Wars), killing every living thing a million times over. But GloboGiant doubled down on its claim of innocence. "We have always operated with love and compassion", said Jockburger. "Paying some silly fine would make us look guilty." GloboGiant even tweeted a sincere sounding "#OopsBlewUpEarth" to spin a more positive self image.
 
But lawyers representing the vast debris field that used to be Earth were not pleased. "GloboGiant thinks it's  'too big to punish'," said attorney Jacob Smitts. "It's time to take off the gloves!" They hit GloboGiant with a $1200 lawsuit for "willful negligence and planetary destruction."
 
"We'll sue Earth back!" declared GloboGaint lawyer Mook Sledge. But the widely dispersed cloud of rocks, dust, dirt and souls (that was once Earth) declared bankruptcy. GloboGiant settled, and paid the $150 fine. "What else are we going to spend our money on?" said CEO Hugo Jockburger. "Ourselves?"
 
In the end, GloboGiant managed to collect seven quarts of oil from its frivolous fracking frenzy. "Was it worth blowing up the Earth to get it?" pondered Mr. Jockburger, "Hell yeah! As long as we can find a customer to buy those seven quarts."
 
 
  Anti News ©2016 Chris Hume


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