In 1991, The Soviet Union collapsed, handing the United States a historic victory in the decades-long Cold War between the two superpowers.
Or so it seemed... For 26 years, the Kremlin sat patiently, playing the long game. "We waited until you Yankee pigs thought we were dead and gone. And once your country had softened up like a nice veal calf, we sneaked up inside you and owned you," said Vladimir Putin, cackling villainously from his icy lair.
The plan was surprisingly simple. Russia didn't have to win by nuking America into a parking lot. Instead, Russia won the Cold War with computer code, a proudly gullible population, and a presidential candidate made out of orange Play-Doh.
The upset victory came without a single shot being fired. "It was almost too easy", said a slightly disappointed Putin, "We figured you Americans would at least put up a token fight. But your Congress didn't investigate us. Your media didn't condemn us. And your people didn't even resist us. It's almost like you wanted a big Russian Daddy to show you the way."
And so the Red Menace was welcomed by Red America with open arms. Rednecks showered the Red Army with red roses as it rolled into their towns.
"Remember that 80's movie Red Dawn?" said Russian foreign minister Oleg Gromyko. "It's like that, but without Patrick Swayze and all those Soviet paratroopers. Instead, you just gave us the keys to the front door, the back door, and dropped your pants in a New York minute."
"At least we don't have a chick in the White House," said Buford Hogg of Bootstrap, Texas, just as the Russian occupying forces confiscated his guns and ammo, and converted his farm into a Stalinist-style collective.
Russian will become the official language in all American schools. Independence Day will be abolished. Hot dogs and apple pie will be replaced with fish-jello and borscht. NATO will be dissolved. And the Berlin Wall will be rebuilt. "Nothing to see back here!" whispered a joyful Putin, as he gathered up Latvia, Estonia, Lithuania, Ukraine and the rest of Eastern Europe like poker chips on a blackjack table.
The Cold War is finally over. But not the way we planned. The good news: Crime is down 100%. Drug use is also down 100%. Unemployment is down to 0%. And support for the new president is up to a robust 101%. The Bible says so.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
from the Anti News!