The GOP repealed the Affordable Care Act today. And with the stroke of a pen, thirty million Americans were liberated from the shackles of health coverage. "Safety nets are for sissies," said Senator Hank Bumbleskin (R) to a cheering crowd of bankrupt sick people, "Freedom from Health Care is a God-given right."
Before the dust had even cleared, the GOP replaced the ACA (Affordable Care Act) with its very own health plan known as YOYO, (You're On Your Own). YOYO it will go into effect midnight tonight.
Here's how to enroll in YOYO.
1: Get a million dollars.
2: put it all in a YOYO savings account, and wait to get sick or horribly injured.
3. Spend it on wildly overpriced drugs and medical treatments until it runs out.
"It's beautiful. It's super. And it's great", said Donald Trump from his solid gold throne encrusted with puppy skulls.
"YOYO will bring out the Can-Do American Spirit in the common man," explained Senator Chuck Shitfire (R) FL, "Americans will be working so hard, they won't have time to get sick."
As an incentive, YOYO is offering an early bird special: Americans who sign up for YOYO in the first month will receive a free bucket of barbecue ranch applewood-smoked maple bacon chicken wings. With an American flag sticking out of the top.­
"What about pre-existing conditions?" asked cancer patient Wilma Jenkins. Republican Senator Hogg Powers explained: "The YOYO policy for pre-existing conditions is clear and simple: Wash your hands, and you won't get one."
"But what if I can't afford to save up for a YOYO account?" asked truck driver Bruce Braxton. In fact, The GOP has a big-hearted plan for the working poor. It is known as "PHART" or "Pray Hard and Receive Treatment". "What happens if I still get sick and die?" asked Bruce Braxton. "Then you obviously weren't praying hard enough," explained Senator Powers.
And to make things even better, the new regime legalized pot nationwide. Revenue from weed sales will go towards hyper-militarizing the police, and building twenty-foot bronze statues of Trump in every town across the land. "Americans will love me," said the cocksure president, "plus they'll be too stoned ever to rise up against me."

Anti News ©2017 Chris Hume