A nationwide ordinance now requires every American to wear a body cam at all times. The law will take effect next week, giving citizens time to purchase their mandatory equipment and have it installed.
"No more disputes. No more courts. No more lawyers!" is the new slogan. In fact, the entire judicial system will be phased out, because all activity everywhere will be recorded in real time. Want to press charges against someone? Want to sue your neighbor or business partner? Just rewind and play back the incident. Case closed!
The USA Body Cam Law will alter the legal landscape forever, leaving the verdict to the man in the street. Over 90% of all judges will be laid off within six months, clearing out all those bureaucratic cobwebs!
"The police have to wear body cams whenever they're on the job," said Secretary of Surveillance Victor Blitzman, "Why not just have everybody wear them all the time? It's the next logical step."
The USA Body Cam is a fun, easy-to-use product. No bigger than a chicken beak, USA Body Cam fits snugly around the neck right beneath the Adam's apple. It comes in a range of delightful colors, from cake-batter yellow to robin's egg blue to gunmetal grey. It's also loaded with a bunch of awesome apps, including GPS locator, Lie-Detector, Thought-Reader, iTunes, Uber and Amazon.
"What if I want to masturbate, or sneak a brownie out of the fridge when no one's looking?" said a frustrated Kendra Jones. Sorry, Kendra. USA Body Cam is a 24/7 commitment to God and country. USA Body Cam is fully waterproof, so it works in the shower. USA Body Cam also has night vision, so it provides security even when you're under the covers.
"I love my USA Body Cam", said proud user Hammond Dickcheese, "except I can't sexually assault women any more."
Anyone who removes his or her USA Body Cam or covers it with a scarf or any other item will be deleted from society. Past, present and future.
All data from your USA Body Cam is instantly uploaded to a massive server farm (privately owned by USA Body Cam), which is funded by you, the taxpayer.
"Mandatory payment for health care is fucking fascism!" hollered patriot Buck Malloy. "But I'll gladly pay twice as much to be monitored 24/7!"
USA Body Cam NYSE: USABDCM. Buy stock now.
