In the wake of the horrific samurai sword attack last week that left numerous students and teachers dead at a suburban Phoenix middle school, America is struggling with the dilemma: how to prevent another crazed samurai swordsman from slicing his way through the classroom?
Floyd Gondoli, president of the National Samurai Sword Association announced a solution: "It's simple. Station a professional certified samurai swordsman at the front door of every public school in America. A three foot blade is the answer to all of our problems."
But some parents were wary of the idea. "We're militarizing our schools", said concerned mother Holly Hooper. "What if the guard and the attacker get into a brawl? There could be swashbuckling swordplay down the halls. That's not good for our children."
The nation was rocked again by tragedy a few days later when a deranged man with an axe stormed a classroom and butchered fifteen children, before axing himself to death. The N.A.A., or National Axe Association was quick to respond. "Axe murderers will be met with axe heroes", said, N.A.A. President Whorton Gleason. "Simply give every kid and teacher in America their own axe. Any deranged madman will think twice before embarking on a school wide chopping spree."
"This is wrong!", proclaimed peace activist Marla Denning. "More axes is not the answer. We need stronger axe control laws!" But Whorton Gleason of the N.A.A. pushed back. "No one will infringe upon our axe rights. Most axe owners are responsible people anyway, who just use them for hunting."
And if that wasn't bad enough, a psychotic man released a man eating tiger into a nursery school on Friday. Before police arrived, the tiger had eaten fifty kids, six teachers, and the principal.
In response, sales of man eating tigers have skyrocketed across the country. "If a man eating tiger enters my home, I want to be ready", said paranoid patriot Clemson Babworth, as he stuffed five man eating tigers into his SUV.
And then yesterday, a man with a flamethrower torched the entire second grade at a school in Iowa. Subsequently, Walmart has completely sold out its stock of flamethrowers through Christmas. Congress is considering dusting off the long defunct flamethrower ban, which has flamethrower-enthusiasts fired up. "No one's gonna take my flamethrowers away!" said Bubba Atkins of Stinkwater Oklahoma. People are now hoarding flamethrowers and selling them on eBay for record prices, fearing they could go the way of the Twinkie.
One school district in Texas has fortified its classrooms with tigers, samurai, snipers, vats of boiling oil, killer bees and a roof mounted cannon. Sadly though, gym teacher Reggie Musky was mistaken for an unsavory character, and was taken out by the school sniper. By the time police arrived, he had been half eaten by the school tiger.
THANK YOU ALL FOR APPRECIATING HOW INSANE THIS WORLD IS. I WISH YOU ALL THE MERRIEST AND HAPPIEST OF HOLIDAYS AND A WONDERFUL 2013!
ANTI NEWS SHALL RETURN ON JANUARY 7.