(By not voting)



Novermber 30, 2020: Millions of progressives expressed their emotions by sitting out the election, thus reelecting Donald Trump to a 2nd term. Now they get to wave protest signs and get tear-gassed for another 4 years.

“I would never vote for some moderate corporate Dem,” said Stewart Starburst from his jail cell.  “At least I can be a victim in some horrible dictatorship now.”

“We’re not changing the system, we’re burning it to the ground!” hollered Gilbert Hackysack as he burned his hand on the same hot stove for the 300th time today.

Hordes of angry idealists showed their indignation when their candidate Calvin Songbird did not clinch the Democratic nomination. Songbird reached messiah status when he promised to fix the Earth in 30 seconds with his magic wand. “If Songbird doesn’t win, then I’ll take Trump over the establishment!” gargled Phil Withers from his underwater apartment in Tampa Florida.

“Our messiah was cheated out of the nomination by another old white male establishment Democrat!” complained Jorge Rodriguez as he was deported to some far-off country to which he's never been. “I’m glad I stood by my conscience.”

“At least we don’t have a centrist Dem who wants to change things on an incremental pragmatic basis,” said Myopia Wallflower as she reported to her local Christian Rape Farm for compulsory impregnation.

“Thank God we don’t have a pro-wars Democrat in the White House,” said Kevin Borman as he yanked another radioactive clump of hair out of his dissolving scalp with his one remaining hand.

If they didn’t stay home on Election Day, angry progressives voted for third party candidate Rainbow Chemtrail. “Babies are delivered by storks, and smallpox cures cancer,” swooned Rainbow Chemtrail to a stadium full of ecstatic followers.

Rainbow Chemtrail became Secretary of Conspiracy Theory in Trump’s new cabinet.


Anti News ©2019 Chris Hume