(declare the world's billionaires)



Our atmosphere is cooking, our ice caps are melting, and our oceans are dying. But the world’s billionaires agree: saving the earth is too expensive.

“It’s a novel idea, but where are we going to get all that money?” said CEO Philbrick Chestbump III from his emerald studded zebra skin zeppelin.

“We just can’t afford it,” said oligarch Stupidov Yellishenko from his scrimshaw skyscraper, “saving the earth would ruin us.”

In order to reduce the world’s greenhouse gas emissions by 100%, the top 1% would have to reduce their lifestyle by almost 2%. “No more yacht racing? No more trophy hunting? No more third world sex tours?” complained Hugo Monsterburg III. “That’s like asking us to stop breathing!”

A consensus of billionaires has declared that saving our one and only planet is a foolish waste of money. “We’ve had extinction events before. Whoop-de-doo!" chuckled Champion Hunter III, “Find something else to whine about.”

When asked if they would sacrifice compound interest, reveal their offshore accounts, and pay their taxes, billionaires howled with rage. “Just saw my rib cage open and rip my guts out now!” screamed Winthorp Bloodstone III, “I’d rather die than save the earth!”

Billionaires feel cornered and victimized by the call to action. Next month, they are planning a “Million Billionaires March” on Washington, where they will wave protest signs that read “Jobs not Air!” and “Rich Lives Matter!”

It resonated with the workers. “Give the billionaires a break,” said regular working-class guy Howard Mothball, just as his home state became part of the Atlantic Ocean.


Anti News ©2019 Chris Hume