(and other absolute truths)



Gays are coming for your kidneys. Immigrants want to lay eggs in your eye sockets. Climate change is a deep state plot to take away your testicles. Liberals want to turn the heartland into Abortionopolis. Social Security is giving away billions to foreign drug dealers. Quinoa will turn you into a pedophile. And smallpox cures cancer.

In a new report, trees cause pollution. Transgender people are part of the illuminati and want to destroy NASCAR. Gasoline comes from parrot blood. Yoga is witchcraft. The sun is 3 weeks old. The moon is a hoax. And the president is Christ in a fat suit.

A new survey indicates 103% of Americans believe the world has already ended, while underage white seniors above 90 believe gluten-free bread is a neo-Negro-Marxist master plan to criminalize heterosexuality. And 71% of blastocysts can whistle Dixie while butt-smoking a cigar.

Just in! Orgasms can be converted to Bitcoin. Joe Biden is conspiring with Napoleon and Chewbacca to kill your children. The IRS is planting spiders in your urethra while you sleep. Windmills cause cancer. Truth causes AIDS. And once the gays have taken your kidneys, they will feed them back to you in a gluten-free quinoa dressing.

Fight truth decay. Floss your brain daily, and brush regularly with free will.


Anti News ©2019 Chris Hume